Bed Hog

I've gotten used to sleeping alone in my king size bed. Even though I tend to keep to one side, it's nice being able to stretch out when the mood strikes. Here in Italy, I have to share a bed. It's not so bad most nights but occasionally I feel my sleep space being encroached upon. I don't mind the warm body pushed up next to me or even having the covers pinned down. The snoring is what bothers me the most.

But I just don't have the heart to kick him out of bed. Would you?

High Heels and Cobblestones: Italian Driving Rules

I recently came across some observations that I wrote 8 years ago when I first moved to Italy. Surprisingly (or not), most are still valid today. So I thought I'd share some of these orginal stories. I've called this collection, High Heels and Cobblestones because like those two items, Italy and I sometimes don't work well together.

Italian Driving Rules

Driving in Italy is a daily adventure. Each day when I’m out I see something new and absurd done. I’ve stopped being shocked and surprised. To help any future travelers, I’ve compiled a list of rules. I’m sure these will help you make sense of the Italian roads.

#1. If your car fits you can go there

#2. If your car doesn't fit, you can still go there

#3. Just because your lane does not have a dotted white line down the middle does not mean it's not 2 lanes

#4. Signals????? Obviously a North American concept. Except in LA

#5. If you drive anything 2 wheeled, you can go anywhere you want. Traffic laws do not apply to you.

#6. Stop signs. A roadside decoration of no real purpose.

#7. Passing. Solid white line, dotted white line, yellow line. They are just a guideline. Kind of like in video games.

#8. If you see someone you know, feel free to stop to say hello. Pulling off to the side not required.

#9. If, while driving, you intersect with a one way street, and your destination happens to be behind you, feel free to turn left then throw it in reverse and punch the accelerator until you find a parking spot. On-coming traffic, or in this case, rear-coming traffic will adjust.

#10. If you and your buddies desire to have an impromptu game of soccer, feel free to play where ever you like. Major roadways need not be excluded as the traffic will adjust

Luxury Dog Tax

The economic woes of various European countries has been a news staple for the last few months. Italy has recently made some major changes to their political landscape and the country's economic state is causing many to worry. So what can a stuggling economy due to bolster its coffers? Tax dogs of course.

One of the economic measures being proposed is to place a tax on 'luxury dogs'. You are probably asking yourself (as I did) what is a luxury dog? This has yet to be properly defined but the best guess would be a dog purchased from a breeder versus one picked up at the humane society. The logic here is, if you can afford to spend the money to purchase one of these dogs and care for it, you're obviously making too much money and you should be taxed. This tax is on top of the licensing and registration fees you already pay for your dog.

In a country where abandoning your pet is common place when you go on holiday, this is the worst idea possible. As it is, many Italians just abandon Fido and Puss Puss before going on vacation. They can't be bothered to find accomodation for their animals while they hit the beaches so they just set them free. Can you imagine what will happen if this tax is actually put in place? Pampered pooches will be left to their own devices. Scenes from Beverly Hills Chihuahua are running through my head (don't judge me, I was on a plane when I watched it).

Animal activists are already up in arms about this and rightfully so. I suggested that all one had to do is take their pet to the humane society and put it up for adoption then go back the next day and adopt them. They would then have paperwork stating that they got their dog from the humane society instead of a fancy breeder.

Just doing my part to help out our furry four-legged friends.

Vanity and the Italian Male

I've been away from Italy for almost 9 months and naturally a few things have changed while I was away. Some of my entertainment these days involves catching up with these changes.

The hair salon that I go to here moved during my absence. They chose a newer, smaller space which costs them less per month. This makes perfect business sense. As the space is smaller, they had to eliminate a feature that their old space had. The Man Cave.

You may be asking yourself, what is a Man Cave in a hair salon? A Man Cave in the hair salon was an area specifically dedicated to men who were getting their hair dyed. They had their own private area for the entire hair coloring process. This included a hair washing station.

The new space had no room for this feature. They have compensated by partitioning off an area to make it private for them during the coloring process but they must use the same hair washing area as everyone else. That means, others will see that they are getting their hair dyed. The horror! They have actually already lost a few male clients due to this lack of privacy issue.

As you can imagine, when this story was told to me, I was in hysterics. No sympathy here from me. I've never heard of this sort of thing being made available for women. Perhaps in some uber-swishy spa but salon procedures already cost me an arm and a leg so spending extra for this sort of thing seems silly.

I've also been totally wrong about what a Man Cave was for. I thought it was for watching sports and playing video games undisturbed. I now realize it's for the guys to get together and dye their hair.

Welcome back to Italy

I've only been back in Italy 24 hours and already my patience is being put to the test.

As it turns out, today there is a 10 hour driving ban. If you happen to have a vehicle with an even numbered plate, you can't drive from 9 am to 7 pm. As it turns out, both our cars have even numbered plates. The reason for this driving ban is to help the pollution situation. There is an increased amount lately due to the lack of wind and rain so extreme measures have been put into play. Now I understand the reason for this but this happening on my first day back is a bit of a pain. I guess I don't get to ease back into Italian life.

Welcome home WineSnob.

Women Can Be Dumbasses Too

If a guy calls you the wrong name, then begs your forgiveness in the street, even if you tell him to take his bicycle and go home, if you give him another shot....you are a dumbass.

If a guy stands you up for coffee more than once yet you still give him option #3.... you are a dumbass.

Hotel Etiquette

Open letter to my fellow guests,

Shut the F Up!

To the Russian boys, I get that you're having a good time but it's midnight and the rest of us don't want to listen to you. Plus we can't understand a word you're saying which makes eavesdropping useless. You really don't want me to come out there and Shhhh you. You are just lucky that my door was double locked because at 1 am you were about to get an earful and by the time I managed to navigate the intricate set of hotel locks you'd already scurried into your room.

To my neighbors, I'm really sorry that you have to be up at 7 am but I don't. How loud must you be at that hour? The sun wasn't even up yet. Unlike you, I need my beauty sleep and I don't have a timetable.

Hotel walls are paper thin. You don't realize it because I'm a polite hotel neighbor. Next time, I'll rent a screaming kid to prove my point.

But He Seemed So Nice Last Night When I Was Drunk

Best Line EVER!! It's what my girlfriend said to me after telling me her latest dumbass tale.

I have now become the go-to gal for dumbass stories. I'm actually enjoying it as it makes me feel like it isn't just me that attracts these amazing individuals. So on the weekend my friend was at the Commodore where she met two brothers. One was obviously smitten with her but she took a shine to the other brother. During the night she actually said to him that he seemed 'so much smarter' than his brother. Oh how those words would come back to haunt her.

So after and enjoyable night of drinking and dancing, numbers were exchanged with the promise to see each other soon. The next morning upon turning on her phone there was an awaiting text with an invite to go to Squamish and climb the Chief. After a polite refusal, she proceeded to receive a series of texts detailing a dream that he had the night before. I love technology. In the old days, the dumbasses verbally told you these things. Now, they write them for a permanent record of their dumbassedness. All it takes is a little copy & paste and you can share their eloquent prose. What follows is what my friend received. I almost snorted out my wine when I read it so you've been warned.


.....had a wonderful dream about you last night, it was so vivid, I was a pirate, sailing the blue waters of the bahamas, when I bumped into you, would you like to hear it? Might take some time to write it down, and parts are a little risque', I am intrigued, did you ever instantly know you were going to like and trust someone for a long, long time, a timeless connection, I believe the greatest adventure is to explore one's passions, we seem to walk the same path, light years apart....its precisely this deep connection that is so charming, spiritual and unlimited, for I am also an intellectual adventurer as well, willing to sink my ship in the ocean of infinity..... to begin the world anew, have a wonderful day.

....Tropical storm had been raging for two days when your ship had gone down, after that... only clouded memories adrift in the waves, when you thought you could not hold on any longer, you felt the strong hands of a stranger lift you out of the water, so tired you drift off again, next time your eyes open, you hear the waves crashing on the shore, look to see yourself in a seaside cabana, with a note......it says 'Milady....water and a fruit are at the table, have gone to catch lunch, throw on the some clean clothes, and join me out at the surf when your ready ' I see you standing on shore of this tropical paradise, in that moment as you feel that exquisite pleasure, the intense feeling of our attraction, a smile washes over your face, as you wave, so happy to be alive, as I climb out of the surf, you see the muscles strain to carry the catch up the beach, a little rough on the edges, this pirate was all man, knowing he could have taken advantage of her vulnerability, he was the perfect gentleman, "where am I" you ask?"

...."Your on my island....I rescued you from drowning...I am T, but some call me the Waterwolf" as I kiss your hand....come.....we will replenish your strength from some of the supplies I recovered from your ship, I break open a case of the most exquisite vintage wine, untouched by the salt water, poured into the large goblet, hand it to you, before taking a big swig out of the bottle myself, savouring the rich taste this wine....

....Some pirate dream eh....;) sorry about that ramble, writing is a creative outlet for me, the wine was Mission Hill I think....someday I will tell you how the dream ends.....

So after deciding that accepting his Facebook request was not in her best interest and that perhaps this dude is a bit much for her, she politely offered to introduce him to me. She's selfless like that. As flattered as I was, I declined the offer.

I think Waterwolf will be enjoying his catch and his vintage Mission Hill all by himself. He won't be sinking his ship in my friends' ocean of infinity.

Note.....no grammar was corrected in the texts.

The Real Dumbasses....The Sequel

So it seems my last blog resonated with more than a few people. Always nice to know that people are reading and enjoying. Some readers felt compelled to share a few of their dumbass stories. I think there may be a market for this reality show.

Most of the stories that were told involved incounters with men from dating websites. As I have long suspected, this is a dumbass breeding ground. No need to go out, you can be a dumbass from the comfort of your own home or office. (If they're being dumbasses from the office, odds are they are married).

One story that I found most amusing was the dumbass who was indeed messaging from the office. (Yes, he was married). After a brief period he chose to send images of his erect penis. Seriously? I'm wondering what kind of response he was looking for. What is the correct response to that? And if one picture wasn't enough, he proceeded to send 2 more. Now here's the thing... Guys, if you are going to send penis shots to a girl you need to know that she will save them and when the girls are over drinking wine, she will show them. And they will laugh. I'm pretty sure this isn't the reaction you were looking for. I happened to view the aforementioned photos and what caught my eye was that he was wearing a different shirt in the third shot. Again, I'm pretty sure that wasn't what I was supposed to be noticing. What happened between shot 2 & 3 to warrant an outfit change? Best not to know.

Another story along a similar vein was of the dumbass who decided to send what he deemed an 'artistic' photo. Taken in the bathroom (naturally) he was butt naked with his hand covering the family jewels. Artistic and tasteful was how he described it. I guess my definition of artistic differs from others.

One dumbass requested a video chat. Upon acceptance, he proceeded to do a striptease. My source told me he was no Chippendale. Too bad that one wasn't recorded for wine night.

Now for all you non-dumbass males reading, please don't take offense. You just don't make for good blog-fodder.

The Real Dumbasses of Vancouver

There is a new installment of the Real Housewives series being filmed and Vancouver was lucky enough to be chosen as the first Canadian city for the franchise. I have never watched any of the Housewives shows but I am curious to see the Vancouver edition. That said, I think a new franchise is needed. The Real Dumbasses.

I am going to offer my services to Bravo. I figure there has to be a way to profit from my dumbass attraction skills. I posed this question to a friend of mine tonight and he came up with the reality TV idea. That's all it took for the train to leave the station.

This show wouldn't just be entertaining, it would be informative. By interviewing the dumbasses, we could actually get to the root of dumbassedness. It could be a reality/intervention hybrid show. Behaviors could be explained. Such as, why do men insist on taking pictures of themselves in the bathroom then sending them to women? Or, why do you intently pursue someone then just as quickly stop? Is it an ADD thing perhaps? Why go to all the trouble of arranging a meeting then just ignore the confirmation request or worse still, just not show up?

But in fairness, women can be dumbasses too so there could be a segment on that. Although the male casting pool would be much, much larger not to mention more entertaining. Facebook etiquette could be addressed. As in, is it appropriate to Facebook friend a want-to-be porn star while you're in a relationship?

I see huge potential here. If those idiots in Jersey can be successful I think anyone can. I may have to unleash my inner Italian crazy though to make it truly interesting. Shouldn't be too hard. All I'd have to do is talk to my mother right before the cameras started to roll.

Tweet #20

After 20 of these, I had to shorten the title.

Now I realize that I have a fair bit of time on my hands but obviously there are people out there with way more free time than me. Those people stack rocks along the seawall. I've been seeing these balancing acts for years now and sometimes I even see the 'artist' out there asking for 'donations'.

Really? Prove to me that you haven't used 2 part epoxy and I'll consider 'donating' to your artist endeavor. #BlameInnukshuk

4:20 In The Rest Home

I wind up having the strangest conversations with people. Yesterday I was at my chiropractor and she was asking how my mom was doing after her fall (2 hairline fractures in her pelvis btw). I told her mom was doing as well as can be expected and that I have seen improvement in her movement even if she denies it (I see you moving, no sense denying). Mom is getting by on loads of Tylenol 3. From here the conversation took an interesting turn.

Once you reach a certain age (mom is 83) you should be allowed pretty much anything. You kind of deserve it. My chiropractor suggested that more old people should smoke pot. Not the super-duper strains that are out there right now but the older more mellow strains. I've never been a pot smoker. I've tried it twice. The last time was probably over 25 years ago. I was in the Commodore (pre-renos) and ended up falling asleep at the table. In my defense, the Back Doors were playing (a Doors tribute band) and the music did sort of lull me into a very mellow state.

I suggested Medical Marijuana to which she agreed. She said you can get all different kinds. Some that help with pain, some that stimulate appetite (kind of thought all pot did that) and other strains that help with mood fluctuations. This in turn would lead to other benefits such as children would probably visit their ageing parents more often if they were mellower and the grandchildren would probably visit more frequently just to smoke up with them. Instead of happy hour the retirement home could have a gathering at 4:20 each day.

Think of it as the Grateful Not Dead Yet.

Grammar Police in the Online Age

Grammar Police. I have been called that and I'll own it. I'm not a fan of all the abbreviations this new social media age has brought upon us. Yes I can LOL and I've even ROTFL but that's about it. When I get messages from friends full of strange abbreviations they tend to get one back that reads WTF.

As we revert more and more to communication by typing rather than speaking, spelling (or one's lack of ability at it) is becoming apparent. I hate making spelling mistakes. Whether it's in an email/text/tweet/facebook it bugs me. If I'm writing in Italian I know that I won't be judged too severely as it is my second language after all but even that annoys me. So now spelling has become a new factor in dating.

I was visiting a friend who is active in online dating. I was curious to know how it all worked so she started showing me the site and explaining things to me. The minute we logged in, her computer started going crazy with pop-up requests for chats and messages that were arriving in her inbox. We started reading some of them and what struck me the most was the awful spelling. So how would a shield carrying member of the Grammar Police deal with this? Well, if you can't spell Scotland (not Scohtland) chances are I won't meet you for coffee.

Perhaps I'm just too old school. I remember when the teacher used to hand back assignments with things circled in red with the sp notation. Ah, but teachers aren't doing any of that these days are they. My mother used to make me write letters to Italy in rough draft then she would correct them (she also enjoyed her red pen). I would then re-write them on the 'nice' paper for mailing. I've seen people reply to tweets correcting the spelling of the tweeter of origin. This does not go over well. Typically the tweeter corrector is assaulted and called a variety of things. Was he being pompous or just looking out for the greater good of mankind?

So we have a generation that relies on written communication with poor spelling skills that don't care that they have poor spelling skills. So to the dude who can't wait to go visit Scohtland, enjoy yourself but I won't be meeting you for coffee after to discuss your trip.

Things I Wish I Was Gutsy Enough To Tweet #19

While watching football yesterday there was a commercial for a dating website. I've heard of this particular site before but somehow it slipped my mind. CougarLife.com. I can only imagine the collection of dumbasses on there. #ShouldIOrShouldntI

Things I Wish I Was Gutsy Enough To Tweet #18

Just overheard 2 drunken women loudly complaining about men and dating in 2011. I couldn't help but laugh. Whoever 'Rob' is, he sounds like a dumbass. Glad to know that it's not just me having these experiences. #DumbassEpidemic

Things I Wish I Was Gutsy Enough To Tweet #17

Vancouver has a bylaw which requires dog owners to pick up their pooches poop. But why is it that that bylaw doesn't apply to horses. Horse poop is much larger than dog poop. I want to see the VPD with pooper scooper bags attached to the reins. #PickUpYourPoop

Things I Wish I Was Gutsy Enough To Tweet #16

When you're feeling remorse about "unfollowing" someone, go back in and look at their twitter feed. When you realise it's all inane BS, you know you've made the right decision. #ImSmarterThanYou

Blame LuluLemon

Recently Vancouver was named one of the world's worst dressed cities and yoga pants were to blame. Well, not the pants themselves but the fact that the majority of yoga pant wearing people never actually set foot in a yoga studio. Yoga pants have become the standard uniform for the majority of Vancouver women. And not just any yoga pants, LuluLemon yoga pants.

I am of the opinion that most Vancouver women have that Greek symbol (is it Greek?) branded on their butts. When I'm in Italy and I have a tourist group the minute I see that logo I figure there's a 90% chance that person is from Vancouver. And I'm usually right. One woman loved her Lulu's so much that when I told her there was an outlet she nearly fainted with joy. I don't think seeing Michelangelo's David got her that excited. She even made a point of getting in touch with me after her vacation to get the info on the exact location of the outlet. Glad you got so much out of your 2 week Tuscan vacation.

Perhaps I'm just bitter. For the record, I don't own a single pair of LuluLemon yoga pants. Not like I haven't tried. Everyone wants to fit in but everytime I go to attempt a purchase, each and every pair that I try on gives me camel toe. Over $100 for a pair of yoga pants which produce this incredibly attractive effect. NOT!

And the people at Lulu are really smart. They used to have a promotion (perhaps they still do) that if you submitted a design for a clothing article and they made it, you got that article for free. How genius is that? Not only do you charge insane amounts of money for workout wear but you get your customers to do the designing for you thus not having to actually pay a real designer. Brilliant.

So I am relegated to walking around Vancouver in inferior yoga pants or god forbid, real clothes like jeans. No wonder I get stared at.

I Knew The Bride When She Used To Rock N Roll

On Saturday I made my way over to "The Rock" (Victoria) to attend my good friends' wedding. Living in different parts of the world it's hard to stay connected but we keep in touch as best we can. I hadn't seen her in a couple of years so my first view of her after all that time was when she was walking down the aisle. I burst into tears the minute I saw her as she was just so stunningly beautiful. She took my breath away. Not that she isn't beautiful on a normal day, it's just that on this day she was ridiculously so.

I've been to my fair share of weddings (including my own) but I can honestly say that I can count on one hand the ones that I've been really excited about attending. This was one of them. As is the case in most wedding situations, you generally only know a handful of the guests. So, I tend to spend a fair bit of time observing everyone. It was very obvious the love and affection that everyone had for the bride and groom. Not to mention how truly thrilled they were for them. What was really funny though was when asked, almost no one knew how long they'd been together or how they met. All that mattered was the joy they obviously brought to each other. I think the bride's face is still hurting from all the smiling.

So to K & C, thank-you for allowing me to share in your incredibly special day. It warmed my cold, cold heart. Those tears were just the ice melting. May every day contain a bouncy "C" and never forget.......I Love Your Bum.

A WineSnob Update

The last few years have been challenging. Ever since that phone call in December 2007, things have not been the same. I had just won the Sommelier of the Year competition when I got a cryptic call from my mom. She's fun that way. All she would say was that I needed to get home ASAP. Upon my arrival, I find out that she has to go into the hospital for a lumpectomy and I need to take care of dad. My dad's Alzheimers was rather advanced but still managable.

The operation went well but she required 6 weeks of radiation. Those were special mother/daughter moments. We didn't kill each other so, overall, it was a success. I credit that success to Grey Goose. I drank a lot of vodka in that 6 weeks. I think I should of gotten a token of appreciation from them as I'm sure their stocks went up. After this there was the sale of the family home that they had been in for 42 years. Another fun event as they had not thrown anything away in all that time. Dad figured, we have the room, might as well hang on to it. The house got sold, a condo was purchased and they were settled.....sort of.

Dad's Alzheimers progressed quite rapidly in 2008. He really needed to go into a home but mom would not hear of it. I headed back to Italy and within less than a month I get another call. She can't handle dad and he needs to go into a home. With 2 weeks until Christmas that wasn't going to happen so she just had to hang in there. Dad went into a home in January 2009.

I cannot put into words how awful it is to watch someone you love deteriorate right in front of your eyes. To see them so scared and helpless. It just broke my heart. When all seemed settled, I went back to Italy. One month later, I get a call. By this point I'm really hating that phone. Dad was in the hospital and things weren't looking good. It was 3 am for me and I was on a plane at 10 am. Thank goodness for the internet. I made it to the hospital 24 hours after I'd spoken with mom. Dad passed less than 6 hours later.

The rest of the year passed with little drama as did 2010. 2010 had drama (thanks Casa Italia) just not family drama. By the end of the year mom decided she no longer wanted to live alone and wanted to go into a retirement facility. An excellent decision. So I returned in March to list the condo and get the wheels in motion. I figured by summer all would be sorted. Not so. The market is in the toilet and nothing is moving and the weight of the past few years began to take their toll.

The past few months have been challenging. Trying to stay positive and focused in what is becoming a never ending state of limbo. A decision needed to be made and even though I knew what it was, I was afraid to make it. The other night it was made for me. I came home to an awful message from my mother. She had fallen and was in quite the state. By the time I called her back, she was calm and had gotten some help. I spent the next day with her. She isn't injured. I'm not even sure what she actually did to cause her to fall. But now, she's taking full advantage. As a friend of mine once said, she installed the buttons so she knows exactly where they are to push. Last night she called at 2 am wondering where I was. She had no clue it was 2 am. Now I get to add over-medicating to my list of concerns.

So, with all of that, I have decided to relocate back in January. I can no longer be torn between 2 worlds as I'm the one who will snap. Don't know what I will do just yet. Lumber or wine? Maybe lumber with a side of wine. I will probably take even more wine courses. I'm sure there's some obscure wine producing nation that I haven't come across yet.

But until then, I'm going to enjoy the rest of the year. My annual Halloween cruise is just around the corner and if anyone can raise my spirits, my Aquafest family can. I will go back to Italy for Christmas as planned. People are counting on me to cook a turkey and I hate to disappoint.

And I will continue to share my observations in a way that I hope everyone finds entertaining even if not always the most PC.

If there's a dumbass out there, you know he'll find me.

Things I Wish I Was Gutsy Enough To Tweet #15

As a WineSnob, my sense of smell is very important. The Olfactory Sense (if you want to be technical), is very powerful. Memories are often triggered by certain smells.
There is a horse-drawn trolley tour in Stanley Park. I'm sure that from now on whenever those tourists smell horseshit they will forever remember our city. #VancouverStinks

Dumbasses Explained

I am an only child. As such, I didn't have the benefit/torture of an older sibling. Or the ability to torture a younger one.

But, the universe did provide for me in the way of a career in the lumber industry. There I accumulated a great deal of annoying big brothers. Take everything you ever did to your little sister and multiply that til you can't calculate anymore.

I was always fast on my feet (even in heels) but this just made me sharper. I took great pleasure at always having a witty comeback at the ready.

So recently I was catching up with one of my 'big brothers' about my current state of affairs. I was lamenting about how all the men I meet are complete dumbasses. In true 'big brother' fashion, he had a pearl of wisdom to offer me.

He said, 'After all that we subjected you to, I pity the guy who tries to hit on you. He won't know what hit him.'

Thanks. A back-handed compliment if I've ever heard one.

That and $2.10 gets me bus fare. (depending on how many zones I have to travel)

Unfit Youth

A while ago I was at a girlfriends' house and noticed a flyer for a local gym on her kitchen table. I asked if her husband was planning on joining (he was recovering from knee surgery). She said that it was her 16 year old daughter that was looking to join. Huh? 16 years old and looking to join a gym? I was baffled. Isn't that what PE is for? Apparently these days there is very little physical education offered in the schools. The conversation progressed to our own memories of PE which consisted of the boys who we thought were cute or the number of times we skipped out. I guess not much physical education was done in our day either.

I didn't think much more about this until the other night. Ke$ha was in town and I happened to be near the stadium and began noticing the girls going to the concert. The thing that really caught my eye was how unfit these girls were. Girls in their late teens and early 20's already showing signs of cellutlite. WTF! At their age, the only reason I even knew what cellulite was is because my mother complained about it. Then I thought back a few weeks to when I was at the football game and remembered the girl that not only had cellulite on the backs of her legs but also on her thighs. She was in her 20's. I had a guy tell me recently that cellulite wasn't a deal-breaker. The guys I used to work with winced if a woman in her 40's had cellulite. But I guess it really can't be a deal-breaker these days if the majority are afflicted by it.

What is going on? Are we on our way to creating the Super-Sized society that is engulfing our neighbors to the south? It's obvious that our city has a distinctive divide. On the one hand, you've got the fitness freaks and on the other the youth that have grown up on Chicken McNuggets.

So for any of you girls reading this, here's WineSnob's guide to avoiding cellulite. Start wearing high heels. I've been wearing heels daily since I was 16. My favorite boots in high school had 3 1/2 inch heels. Wore them religiously. I remember when I moved up to 4" heels and then 5" stillettos. There was that very dark period when heels were no longer fashionable but I overcame. I started buying shoes where all the strippers shopped. I frequented that store so often I became eligible for the 'dancers discount'. But it's easier and cheaper now to find stylish high heels so you have no excuse.

It won't be easy at first but nothing worth having ever is. Start low and work your way up and pretty soon you'll find that you can't imagine not wearing them. Plus there is the added leg workout bonus. Your calves will develop in such a way that when you do decide to go to the gym you can avoid doing all those donkey raises. I was in a fitness class recently with a whole series of calf related exercises. I had a little rest during that section. I once dated a body-builder who literally cried when he saw my calves. All his years of training and he couldn't achieve what I had.

The benefits are endless. Only good can come from wearing heels. I climbed the pyramids in Egypt in 3" wedges. My friends still talk about that. It has become the stuff of legend. And don't worry about being taller than the boys. If any of them give you grief, just remind them that it's inconsequential once you're horizontal.

Things I Wish I Was Gutsy Enough To Tweet #14

If a guy has a tramp stamp, chances are he's #NotABreeder

Vancouver Mornings

I hate going to the gym. The last time I was in a gym I had an anxiety attack during spinning class and left. So since that time I have chosen other forms of exercise which take me outdoors. Living in Vancouver makes this pretty easy. The seawall is my venue of choice for biking & running. Not only is it a spectacular setting but you get the added bonus of people watching during your workout.

I like working out in the morning and I'm always surprised by the number of people out in the a.m. Vancouverites just don't sleep in. And even at 9 am, the colourful people are out. One morning I saw an older lady walking in English Bay wearing her housecoat. Perhaps this is the senior version of the pajama wearing craze that the younger kids seem to have embraced.

During my run last week, I passed a fellow laying on a park bench holding a can of beer. It was 10 am. By the time I was on my return leg I was feeling sluggish and wasn't sure if I was going to be able to complete my loop. As I passed him, he was sitting up. He looked at me, gave me a huge smile and wave and raised his can of beer to me. This made me laugh and gave me a huge burst of energy. I completed my loop with ease. Breakfast of Champions indeed.

I think that Vancouver has the most pampered pooches in the world. They get taken for nice walks along the seawall and if they're tired their owners carry them. If they're older, they get pushed in doggy strollers. Others get to accompany their owners on bike rides in wicker baskets. Maybe it's just that we have the smartest dogs in the world.

I see lots of Canada Geese while I workout. They are everywhere. I'm not a big fan of the Canada Duck as they are, in my opinion, a huge source of pollution. One day in Stanley Park I saw this couple laying out their blanket for what was to be a lovely picnic/suntanning day. They chose a spot right beside a gaggle of our national bird. Nothing like spending the day laying on goose turds.

The concept of bike path/walking path is obviously too difficult for many people. Also, I know the city is beautiful but stopping in the middle of the bike path to take your photo will cause someone to curse you. Ususally me.

I'm always in awe of roller bladers. The ease with which they move. I wish I could be so graceful with wheels under my feet. The best I saw was a girl in old school roller skates. She looked like a 70's throwback. Skating and groovin to her tunes. Made me want to run out and buy some. But then I got real. My ex-husband didn't call me Bambi On Ice without good reason.

The number of outdoor fitness classes is always fun to watch. Stoller babys, yoga & boot camps are just a few that I've seen. I think it's quite clever to use your baby as a weight to help build your biceps. But aren't you going to be picking that child up continuously over the next 3 years anyways? I think your arms will be getting a good workout whether you want them to or not.

But the thing that makes me chuckle the most during my morning workouts is the amount of early morning pot smokers I encounter. I thought you were supposed to wait until 4:20?

Things I Wish I Was Gutsy Enough To Tweet #13

So while sitting with a good friend discussing my dating dilemma he suggested I go blonde. I told him I would look stupid as a blonde. He said, well isn't that the point? #potentialsuccess

Electronic Devices Should Come Equipped With Breathalyzers

I think the time has come for all the latest electronic devices to come equipped with breathalyzers. You should have to blow into some little tube that would register your alcohol content. If you are over .08, no phoning/texting/twittering/facebooking for you. They're called Smartphones right? Well, it's time they got smarter.

Sadly no one is immune. Your phone beeps, you pick it up and all of a sudden you're blindsided by someones drunken rant.
Hello to you too sunshine.
I know that women are probably the most guilty of this disease. We get drunk, sad, weepy, & hormonal but guys are just as bad. Hard to believe but I've been on the receiving end of a few of these drunken proses. In the old days, the person accusing you of not washing the elephant had to be infront of you or at the very least on the phone. You could then gauge their drunkness level for yourself. If you were together, odds are you were just as hammered so it would be a wash. But now, these elephant washing accusations are one-sided.

We now have the electronic walk of shame. You wake up in the morning and once the fog clears you start to piece a few things together. You think to yourself 'Oh no I didn't' but then you grab that phone and all the evidence is there. You can't even deny you said it at this point as there's an electronic record of it. Guys are really screwed here. Women tend not to forget shit and now we have proof. Girls get off easier, we just offer sexual favors and all is forgotten.

Perhaps Hallmark needs to make a line of e-cards addressing this. After all, the damage was done electronically might as well fix it that way.

And they should contain lots of hearts and emoticons.

Things I Wish I Was Gutsy Enough To Tweet #12

So my girlfriend suggested that I sign up with Plenty of Fish. She then continued by saying that you have to be careful because there are a lot of dumbasses on the site. Well, I hope they include an abacus to help keep track of them with their free registration because I'm running out of fingers and toes. #ThankGodForTV

Things I Wish I Was Gutsy Enough To Tweet #11

I always have a good chuckle when I see an otherwise 'cool' guy walking a purse dog. They always look so hate-filled. I imagine that they are silently cursing their girlfriend as you know it was her idea to get the pedigreed equivalent of a long haired rat. There is no way to look macho walking one of those dogs. I'm sure that they would rather drop-kick the critter than walk it and pick up its poop. #GetARealDog

The Dumbass Epidemic

In Things I Wish I Was Gutsy Enough to Tweet #10, I mentioned The Dumbass Epidemic. I realize that I really didn't convey the extent of the problem. Maybe because I myself was in denial.

Thursday night I headed out with a girlfriend to celebrate Cabernet Day (best holiday EVER). We went to local wine bar where I got the opportunity to talk with some wine reps. One of the guys was very nice as well as attractive so needless to say he caught my eye. While he was entertaining clients he kept looking over in my direction so I took that as a good sign. After a while, a very attractive girl came in. They obviously knew each other and it became very apparent that he was very interested in her. You win a few, you lose a few. Now the only reason that this is even remotely worth mentioning is that even Stevie Wonder could of seen the huge 'High Maintenance' sign over this girls' head. It's going to be a bumpy ride for him. He isn't a full Dumbass, let's just tag him Dumbass Lite.

While all of the above was happening, a gentleman came and sat down at the bar beside us. He seemed harmless enough albeit tipsy. Harmless turned into moronic soon enough and there was just no shaking him. I guess he eventually had enough of our hysterical laughter (he couldn't figure out what was so funny) and he just left without saying a word. Drunken Moronic Dumbass.

It came time to switch venues and we headed out to a local bar for some cheap beer. (Cabernet Day was over). The place wasn't very busy but it didn't take long for a guy to join us at the bar. Seemed nice enough. Reasonably intelligent. But then my spidey senses started tingling and his true colors started showing. By using the skills that most girls acquire as teenagers and that I honed during my one season of playing football, I managed to evade his advances, grab a cab and get home. Whiny, needy Dumbass.

So, as you can see, they come in many shapes and sizes. There needs to be an early detection system available to us. Perhaps Dumbasses emit pheramones so we could invent some glassses to aide us in detection. If the image glows bright red, get the hell out. Green could be, good to go. Or what about training a dog to sniff them out? Perfect excuse for me to get another Rottie. Bars and restaurants would have to allow it in with me as he would totally qualify as a Service Dog. Jeff Foxworthy has a bit where he says stupid people should wear signs. Maybe the Dumbasses should too. That would make life really simple but I doubt we could get them to wear them.

Oh wait a minute, they're Dumbasses, of course they would.

Things I Wish I Was Gutsy Enough To Tweet #10

After a long discussion with several single girlfriends, the true extent of the dumbass situation was revealed. Out of control and possibly beyond repair. So I have now decided to return to hanging out with gay men. You know right off the bat that sex is off the table eliminating that 'He's just not into you' bullshit. Gay men appreciate the time you've taken to put yourself together and tell you. But best of all, there's rarely a dumbass among them. #IllTakeGayAnyDay

Pedestrians

So 9 pedestrians have been killed so far this year in Vancouver compared to the 5 last year and thus The Pedestrian Enforcement Initiative has been created. The VPD has received $30,000 in provincial funding for a 3 week enforcement campaign to help reduce the number of pedestrian deaths in the city.

WTF.

I've seen how pedestrians behave in this city. We have given them far too much leeway for far too long. They feel so invincible that they have forgotten that they are made of flesh, blood and bone. Cars are made of steel. Steel is harder than bone. Cars have momentum. The math isn't that difficult. If you can manage Rock, Paper, Scissors you can figure this out.

Have they forgotten one of the first things their parents taught them? Look both ways before crossing the street. This isn't rocket science, it's common sense. So now $30,000 will be spent to educate/save these morons. I firmly believe that money could be put to better use instead of interfering with natural selection.

Of course some of the blame falls on the drivers. It is true that Smartphones are creating Dumb Drivers. But, once again we fall back on that 'Look Both Ways' thing. I'm sure these are the same people who can't even be bothered to look before crossing the bike path to get to the seawall.

Dennis Miller once said "Don't sue the inventor of the deep-fryer because you have a fat ass." Well, don't blame the driver if you can't be bothered to look before you cross the street.

The Grouse Grind

So today I ventured up the Grouse Grind. I have done the Grind before but upon reflection, I realized that 15 years have passed since my last go at it. I recall that at that time I completed it in around 1 hour and 20 minutes. After today's journey, I don't know how the hell I managed it in that time frame. Yes, I was younger then but I honestly believe it's harder now. I don't remember it being that tough and I certainly don't remember tons of whining people on the trail. There was one girl in particular that I wanted to push off the cliff. Honey, it's called the Grouse Grind. Not the Grouse Stroll or the Grouse Walk In The Forest. What the hell did you think was awaiting you? The best part was when at the 1/2 way point she exclaimed 'Isn't 1/2 way good enough?'. Really? So how exactly do you think you're going to get off this mountain? There are only 2 obvious ways to me, keep climbing or head back the way you came and I think to keep climbing is the lesser of the 2 evils.

I also loved all the pearls of wisdom I overheard along the trail. The best was, 'The second 1/2 is so much easier than the first'. Really? When I get to the top I'm going to find you and slap you silly, you moron. Kids are the best though. These 2 little boys never stopped talking. I loved it when they said 'I'm never doing this again. Not even when I'm 25'.

It is satisfying when you do make it to the top. Kind of like the 18th hole on the golf course. No matter how much the round sucked, it's the one that keeps you coming back for more. Not that I'll be coming back for more anytime soon. The price gouging alone makes you want to re-think the adventure. $10 for the gondola down. They know you'll pay it because you know what the alternative is. And I have to mention the Starbucks at the base. My Grande Mocha is $4.80 and that's already crazy but $6.03? Are you kidding me? It can't cost that much more to bring coffee up to Grouse Mountain.

Maybe they walk it up.

Things I Wish I Was Gutsy Enough To Tweet #9

Men, if you are lucky enough to have someone that does your laundry for you, do not EVER complain about things that were left in the pockets. Chewing gum, cell phones, I don't care what. If you are unable to perform the simplest of tasks, in this case, emptying your pockets #YouAreADumbass

Things I Wish I Was Gutsy Enough To Tweet #8

If you're going to go to all the trouble of getting a personalized license plate then at least make it witty. Putting your initials on your plate is just wasting everyones time. #URLame

Things I Wish I Was Gutsy Enough To Tweet #7

The 80's were the best decade. Yes, the fashion was questionable but at least people had style. Sex in the 80's was appropriate for the decade. Get as freaky as you want, but don't mess up my hair. #bighairbigfun

Why Hotel Rooms Should Not Be Designed By Men

So I've travelled some. Not as much as others I know but I've logged in a fair amount of time in the air and thus in hotel rooms. I can instantly tell when a room is designed by a man. A hetrosexual man (need to clarify).

To be fair, I know many men with a great sense of style but I'm sure they have never been consulted in the design of any hotel room I've stayed in.

First clue....trendy stupid sink. We don't need that. We want something functional. It needs to catch water...that's it.

Lack of counter space. You've used up all your available space on the above mentioned retarded sink thus leaving you no space for the practical aspect. Women would rather have ample counter space than a ridiculous water splashing sink. You got sucked into a stupid design and now I (the patron) am paying for it. Your retarded sink design is now splashing water on my very expensive make-up (there is no cheap make-up).

Full length mirror. What do you have against me wanting to view my outfit at all angles? I am not a PeopleofWalmart. I want to know how my ass looks in my outfit before I leave the room. I'm in a hotel room therefore it's a pretty good assumption that I'm on vacation/business and therefore want to impress. Not too much of a stretch here.

More outlets. Chances are that 2 women will be sharing a room. Shouldn't you have ample outlets for the variety of power tools a woman needs to get ready? And mirrors. We need more mirrors.

Counter space, mirrors, outlets and functional sinks. It's not rocket science. It's practical.

Perhaps that's why I'm asking too much.

Things I Wish I Was Gutsy Enough To Tweet #6

I saw 2 homeless people having sex. Could of done without that visual but it got me to thinking.....Politicians don't mention this as a possible reason for the increase in homelessess. #likerabbits

Things I Wish I Was Gutsey Enough To Tweet #5

I often hear women talking about their biological clocks. It seems that in their 30's these clocks start ticking louder than my mom's grandfather clock. Complete with chimes. I'm just thankful I don't have that problem. Mine's digital. #ticktock.

A New Worldwide Epidemic

Lately the world has been beseiged by natural disasters and other tragic events. Japan, Somalia, Libya. The newspapers and media flood us with tragic images. However, throughout all of this, there is one epidemic that is receiving no attention. The shortage of mirrors.

This problem was first brought to my attention while I was in Miami. At first I thought it to be an isolated incident but the more I travelled, the more I became aware of how wide-reaching the epidemic was. San Francisco, Los Angeles, Houston, Orlando, no where seemed safe. It has now spread and crossed into Canada as well. Vancouver is no longer immune.

Something must be done. Your $5 donation will help a family receive a full-length mirror so that they can leave the house with confidence. This will then aid in the beautification of your city. Operators are standing by. Give what you can. Calls are toll free. 1-800-IStylin. Please help prevent this from happening again.

Things I Wish I Was Gutsy Enough To Tweet #4

Anyone living in Vancouver can verify that some of our Asian citizens are a bit challenged when it comes to operating a motor vehicle. One would think that they would have mad skills with bicycles. Not so. I am of the opinion that any device with a round moving wheel is too much for some to handle. #nosurvivors

Things I Wish I Was Gutsy Enough to Tweet #3

Mayor Gregor just implemented a 30 km/h speed zone on Hastings in the heart of the Downtown Eastside. Too many citizens with substance abuse problems were getting hit while jaywalking. Wouldn't a yellow caution sign showing a person with a hypodermic needle in the arm accomplish the same thing? #justsayin

Things I Wish I Was Gutsy Enough To Tweet #2

Why is it that everytime I see a flock of Canada Geese 2 words come to mind........Foie Gras. #goodeats

Things I Wish I Was Gutsy Enough To Tweet #1

A guy once told me that I was better than a hand. I replied, too bad you're not better than my vibrator. #excellentcomeback

If I Had Kids I'd Be A Raging Alcoholic

Miss me?

Of course you did. Sorry, but I really haven't had much to complain (bitch) about. Most people would say that this is a good thing. Fortunately for you, the heavens aligned and gave me something to blog (bitch) about.

My life puts me in situations where I'm often on planes. I'm OK with that. I have it all down to a science. The packing (which I hate), the check-in (a breeze), security, customs, all just a part of the package. Small children forced on planes by their parents bring me to my knees.

So today I left Vancouver at 7am. Final destination Miami. My routing took me from Vancouver to Denver, Denver to Houston, then Houston to Miami. No big deal. The layovers aren't bad and I get to hang out in lounges. (The US lounges make you pay for alcohol. Another reason it's better to be Canadian).

The flight from Vancouver to Denver was a piece of cake. Hardly anyone on it. Very peaceful. Things started to go south in the Denver lounge. Not being aware, I chose a spot between 2 TV's on different channels (CNN and All My Children). After a bit, this really started to put me on edge so I moved. When I boarded my next flight, I immediately asked the flight attendant for an aspirin as I could tell I was unusually stressed. She kindly obliged and I took my seat.

The plane soon started filling up. A man sat next to me (row of 3) and we started to become hopeful that perhaps we'd have the row to ourselves. We were almost scott free when........THE FAMILY showed up. Parents and 3 little children all under the age of 6. I knew I was in trouble when upon their arrival, the mom told the dad that it was the flight attendants' JOB to figure out where to stash all their carry-on. (said with attitude).

The flight attendants started moving people to accomodate this family. They moved all 3 people in the row behind me and the nice man beside me. I got mom and 2 kids behind me, dad and the youngest (almost 3) beside me.

Disclaimer time...... Many of my friends have children. I like THEIR children. THEIR children are the product of smart, intelligent parents who have taught them manners and how to behave in public. And I'm assuming, how to behave in small closed spaces with potentially non-kid friendly people.

I know they're little and that they don't know.....but their parents do. When did airlines stop giving children coloring books and crayons? Well, here's my tip....either provide kids distractions or provide the adults around them with alcohol. Trust me, the crayons are cheaper.

The boy behind me kicked my chair for the entire 2+ hour flight. The mom told him to stop about 3 times then just gave up. I'm assuming this is a regular pattern in their household. The little girl beside me did everything except stand on her head. Oh, and if I can tell she needs a diaper change......she needs a diaper change. Dad finally handled that towards the end of the flight. Note to self.....don't get your sinuses fixed before travelling ever again. An instance where not having a good sense of smell would have been an asset.

About an hour in I was at my wits end. Lack of sleep over the past 2 nights was a contributing factor but I knew I was helpless. I all could hope for was the drink cart. When it finally arrived, straight vodka was my saviour. (I still think the dad should have paid for it and the flight attendant should have given me the double I asked for).

I couldn't get off that plane fast enough. As I was exiting, I passed the man who was originally seated beside me. I told him he didn't know how lucky he was.

I compose this from the Houston Presidents Lounge with my second glass of wine. I'm much more relaxed and at ease. In less than 30 minutes I will board my final flight of the day. Let's hope that it will be without incident.

Maybe someone with a puppy will sit next to me.

THAT would be awesome.