Hotel Etiquette

Open letter to my fellow guests,

Shut the F Up!

To the Russian boys, I get that you're having a good time but it's midnight and the rest of us don't want to listen to you. Plus we can't understand a word you're saying which makes eavesdropping useless. You really don't want me to come out there and Shhhh you. You are just lucky that my door was double locked because at 1 am you were about to get an earful and by the time I managed to navigate the intricate set of hotel locks you'd already scurried into your room.

To my neighbors, I'm really sorry that you have to be up at 7 am but I don't. How loud must you be at that hour? The sun wasn't even up yet. Unlike you, I need my beauty sleep and I don't have a timetable.

Hotel walls are paper thin. You don't realize it because I'm a polite hotel neighbor. Next time, I'll rent a screaming kid to prove my point.

4:20 In The Rest Home

I wind up having the strangest conversations with people. Yesterday I was at my chiropractor and she was asking how my mom was doing after her fall (2 hairline fractures in her pelvis btw). I told her mom was doing as well as can be expected and that I have seen improvement in her movement even if she denies it (I see you moving, no sense denying). Mom is getting by on loads of Tylenol 3. From here the conversation took an interesting turn.

Once you reach a certain age (mom is 83) you should be allowed pretty much anything. You kind of deserve it. My chiropractor suggested that more old people should smoke pot. Not the super-duper strains that are out there right now but the older more mellow strains. I've never been a pot smoker. I've tried it twice. The last time was probably over 25 years ago. I was in the Commodore (pre-renos) and ended up falling asleep at the table. In my defense, the Back Doors were playing (a Doors tribute band) and the music did sort of lull me into a very mellow state.

I suggested Medical Marijuana to which she agreed. She said you can get all different kinds. Some that help with pain, some that stimulate appetite (kind of thought all pot did that) and other strains that help with mood fluctuations. This in turn would lead to other benefits such as children would probably visit their ageing parents more often if they were mellower and the grandchildren would probably visit more frequently just to smoke up with them. Instead of happy hour the retirement home could have a gathering at 4:20 each day.

Think of it as the Grateful Not Dead Yet.

Grammar Police in the Online Age

Grammar Police. I have been called that and I'll own it. I'm not a fan of all the abbreviations this new social media age has brought upon us. Yes I can LOL and I've even ROTFL but that's about it. When I get messages from friends full of strange abbreviations they tend to get one back that reads WTF.

As we revert more and more to communication by typing rather than speaking, spelling (or one's lack of ability at it) is becoming apparent. I hate making spelling mistakes. Whether it's in an email/text/tweet/facebook it bugs me. If I'm writing in Italian I know that I won't be judged too severely as it is my second language after all but even that annoys me. So now spelling has become a new factor in dating.

I was visiting a friend who is active in online dating. I was curious to know how it all worked so she started showing me the site and explaining things to me. The minute we logged in, her computer started going crazy with pop-up requests for chats and messages that were arriving in her inbox. We started reading some of them and what struck me the most was the awful spelling. So how would a shield carrying member of the Grammar Police deal with this? Well, if you can't spell Scotland (not Scohtland) chances are I won't meet you for coffee.

Perhaps I'm just too old school. I remember when the teacher used to hand back assignments with things circled in red with the sp notation. Ah, but teachers aren't doing any of that these days are they. My mother used to make me write letters to Italy in rough draft then she would correct them (she also enjoyed her red pen). I would then re-write them on the 'nice' paper for mailing. I've seen people reply to tweets correcting the spelling of the tweeter of origin. This does not go over well. Typically the tweeter corrector is assaulted and called a variety of things. Was he being pompous or just looking out for the greater good of mankind?

So we have a generation that relies on written communication with poor spelling skills that don't care that they have poor spelling skills. So to the dude who can't wait to go visit Scohtland, enjoy yourself but I won't be meeting you for coffee after to discuss your trip.

Blame LuluLemon

Recently Vancouver was named one of the world's worst dressed cities and yoga pants were to blame. Well, not the pants themselves but the fact that the majority of yoga pant wearing people never actually set foot in a yoga studio. Yoga pants have become the standard uniform for the majority of Vancouver women. And not just any yoga pants, LuluLemon yoga pants.

I am of the opinion that most Vancouver women have that Greek symbol (is it Greek?) branded on their butts. When I'm in Italy and I have a tourist group the minute I see that logo I figure there's a 90% chance that person is from Vancouver. And I'm usually right. One woman loved her Lulu's so much that when I told her there was an outlet she nearly fainted with joy. I don't think seeing Michelangelo's David got her that excited. She even made a point of getting in touch with me after her vacation to get the info on the exact location of the outlet. Glad you got so much out of your 2 week Tuscan vacation.

Perhaps I'm just bitter. For the record, I don't own a single pair of LuluLemon yoga pants. Not like I haven't tried. Everyone wants to fit in but everytime I go to attempt a purchase, each and every pair that I try on gives me camel toe. Over $100 for a pair of yoga pants which produce this incredibly attractive effect. NOT!

And the people at Lulu are really smart. They used to have a promotion (perhaps they still do) that if you submitted a design for a clothing article and they made it, you got that article for free. How genius is that? Not only do you charge insane amounts of money for workout wear but you get your customers to do the designing for you thus not having to actually pay a real designer. Brilliant.

So I am relegated to walking around Vancouver in inferior yoga pants or god forbid, real clothes like jeans. No wonder I get stared at.

I Knew The Bride When She Used To Rock N Roll

On Saturday I made my way over to "The Rock" (Victoria) to attend my good friends' wedding. Living in different parts of the world it's hard to stay connected but we keep in touch as best we can. I hadn't seen her in a couple of years so my first view of her after all that time was when she was walking down the aisle. I burst into tears the minute I saw her as she was just so stunningly beautiful. She took my breath away. Not that she isn't beautiful on a normal day, it's just that on this day she was ridiculously so.

I've been to my fair share of weddings (including my own) but I can honestly say that I can count on one hand the ones that I've been really excited about attending. This was one of them. As is the case in most wedding situations, you generally only know a handful of the guests. So, I tend to spend a fair bit of time observing everyone. It was very obvious the love and affection that everyone had for the bride and groom. Not to mention how truly thrilled they were for them. What was really funny though was when asked, almost no one knew how long they'd been together or how they met. All that mattered was the joy they obviously brought to each other. I think the bride's face is still hurting from all the smiling.

So to K & C, thank-you for allowing me to share in your incredibly special day. It warmed my cold, cold heart. Those tears were just the ice melting. May every day contain a bouncy "C" and never forget.......I Love Your Bum.

Dumbasses Explained

I am an only child. As such, I didn't have the benefit/torture of an older sibling. Or the ability to torture a younger one.

But, the universe did provide for me in the way of a career in the lumber industry. There I accumulated a great deal of annoying big brothers. Take everything you ever did to your little sister and multiply that til you can't calculate anymore.

I was always fast on my feet (even in heels) but this just made me sharper. I took great pleasure at always having a witty comeback at the ready.

So recently I was catching up with one of my 'big brothers' about my current state of affairs. I was lamenting about how all the men I meet are complete dumbasses. In true 'big brother' fashion, he had a pearl of wisdom to offer me.

He said, 'After all that we subjected you to, I pity the guy who tries to hit on you. He won't know what hit him.'

Thanks. A back-handed compliment if I've ever heard one.

That and $2.10 gets me bus fare. (depending on how many zones I have to travel)

Unfit Youth

A while ago I was at a girlfriends' house and noticed a flyer for a local gym on her kitchen table. I asked if her husband was planning on joining (he was recovering from knee surgery). She said that it was her 16 year old daughter that was looking to join. Huh? 16 years old and looking to join a gym? I was baffled. Isn't that what PE is for? Apparently these days there is very little physical education offered in the schools. The conversation progressed to our own memories of PE which consisted of the boys who we thought were cute or the number of times we skipped out. I guess not much physical education was done in our day either.

I didn't think much more about this until the other night. Ke$ha was in town and I happened to be near the stadium and began noticing the girls going to the concert. The thing that really caught my eye was how unfit these girls were. Girls in their late teens and early 20's already showing signs of cellutlite. WTF! At their age, the only reason I even knew what cellulite was is because my mother complained about it. Then I thought back a few weeks to when I was at the football game and remembered the girl that not only had cellulite on the backs of her legs but also on her thighs. She was in her 20's. I had a guy tell me recently that cellulite wasn't a deal-breaker. The guys I used to work with winced if a woman in her 40's had cellulite. But I guess it really can't be a deal-breaker these days if the majority are afflicted by it.

What is going on? Are we on our way to creating the Super-Sized society that is engulfing our neighbors to the south? It's obvious that our city has a distinctive divide. On the one hand, you've got the fitness freaks and on the other the youth that have grown up on Chicken McNuggets.

So for any of you girls reading this, here's WineSnob's guide to avoiding cellulite. Start wearing high heels. I've been wearing heels daily since I was 16. My favorite boots in high school had 3 1/2 inch heels. Wore them religiously. I remember when I moved up to 4" heels and then 5" stillettos. There was that very dark period when heels were no longer fashionable but I overcame. I started buying shoes where all the strippers shopped. I frequented that store so often I became eligible for the 'dancers discount'. But it's easier and cheaper now to find stylish high heels so you have no excuse.

It won't be easy at first but nothing worth having ever is. Start low and work your way up and pretty soon you'll find that you can't imagine not wearing them. Plus there is the added leg workout bonus. Your calves will develop in such a way that when you do decide to go to the gym you can avoid doing all those donkey raises. I was in a fitness class recently with a whole series of calf related exercises. I had a little rest during that section. I once dated a body-builder who literally cried when he saw my calves. All his years of training and he couldn't achieve what I had.

The benefits are endless. Only good can come from wearing heels. I climbed the pyramids in Egypt in 3" wedges. My friends still talk about that. It has become the stuff of legend. And don't worry about being taller than the boys. If any of them give you grief, just remind them that it's inconsequential once you're horizontal.

Vancouver Mornings

I hate going to the gym. The last time I was in a gym I had an anxiety attack during spinning class and left. So since that time I have chosen other forms of exercise which take me outdoors. Living in Vancouver makes this pretty easy. The seawall is my venue of choice for biking & running. Not only is it a spectacular setting but you get the added bonus of people watching during your workout.

I like working out in the morning and I'm always surprised by the number of people out in the a.m. Vancouverites just don't sleep in. And even at 9 am, the colourful people are out. One morning I saw an older lady walking in English Bay wearing her housecoat. Perhaps this is the senior version of the pajama wearing craze that the younger kids seem to have embraced.

During my run last week, I passed a fellow laying on a park bench holding a can of beer. It was 10 am. By the time I was on my return leg I was feeling sluggish and wasn't sure if I was going to be able to complete my loop. As I passed him, he was sitting up. He looked at me, gave me a huge smile and wave and raised his can of beer to me. This made me laugh and gave me a huge burst of energy. I completed my loop with ease. Breakfast of Champions indeed.

I think that Vancouver has the most pampered pooches in the world. They get taken for nice walks along the seawall and if they're tired their owners carry them. If they're older, they get pushed in doggy strollers. Others get to accompany their owners on bike rides in wicker baskets. Maybe it's just that we have the smartest dogs in the world.

I see lots of Canada Geese while I workout. They are everywhere. I'm not a big fan of the Canada Duck as they are, in my opinion, a huge source of pollution. One day in Stanley Park I saw this couple laying out their blanket for what was to be a lovely picnic/suntanning day. They chose a spot right beside a gaggle of our national bird. Nothing like spending the day laying on goose turds.

The concept of bike path/walking path is obviously too difficult for many people. Also, I know the city is beautiful but stopping in the middle of the bike path to take your photo will cause someone to curse you. Ususally me.

I'm always in awe of roller bladers. The ease with which they move. I wish I could be so graceful with wheels under my feet. The best I saw was a girl in old school roller skates. She looked like a 70's throwback. Skating and groovin to her tunes. Made me want to run out and buy some. But then I got real. My ex-husband didn't call me Bambi On Ice without good reason.

The number of outdoor fitness classes is always fun to watch. Stoller babys, yoga & boot camps are just a few that I've seen. I think it's quite clever to use your baby as a weight to help build your biceps. But aren't you going to be picking that child up continuously over the next 3 years anyways? I think your arms will be getting a good workout whether you want them to or not.

But the thing that makes me chuckle the most during my morning workouts is the amount of early morning pot smokers I encounter. I thought you were supposed to wait until 4:20?

Electronic Devices Should Come Equipped With Breathalyzers

I think the time has come for all the latest electronic devices to come equipped with breathalyzers. You should have to blow into some little tube that would register your alcohol content. If you are over .08, no phoning/texting/twittering/facebooking for you. They're called Smartphones right? Well, it's time they got smarter.

Sadly no one is immune. Your phone beeps, you pick it up and all of a sudden you're blindsided by someones drunken rant.
Hello to you too sunshine.
I know that women are probably the most guilty of this disease. We get drunk, sad, weepy, & hormonal but guys are just as bad. Hard to believe but I've been on the receiving end of a few of these drunken proses. In the old days, the person accusing you of not washing the elephant had to be infront of you or at the very least on the phone. You could then gauge their drunkness level for yourself. If you were together, odds are you were just as hammered so it would be a wash. But now, these elephant washing accusations are one-sided.

We now have the electronic walk of shame. You wake up in the morning and once the fog clears you start to piece a few things together. You think to yourself 'Oh no I didn't' but then you grab that phone and all the evidence is there. You can't even deny you said it at this point as there's an electronic record of it. Guys are really screwed here. Women tend not to forget shit and now we have proof. Girls get off easier, we just offer sexual favors and all is forgotten.

Perhaps Hallmark needs to make a line of e-cards addressing this. After all, the damage was done electronically might as well fix it that way.

And they should contain lots of hearts and emoticons.

Pedestrians

So 9 pedestrians have been killed so far this year in Vancouver compared to the 5 last year and thus The Pedestrian Enforcement Initiative has been created. The VPD has received $30,000 in provincial funding for a 3 week enforcement campaign to help reduce the number of pedestrian deaths in the city.

WTF.

I've seen how pedestrians behave in this city. We have given them far too much leeway for far too long. They feel so invincible that they have forgotten that they are made of flesh, blood and bone. Cars are made of steel. Steel is harder than bone. Cars have momentum. The math isn't that difficult. If you can manage Rock, Paper, Scissors you can figure this out.

Have they forgotten one of the first things their parents taught them? Look both ways before crossing the street. This isn't rocket science, it's common sense. So now $30,000 will be spent to educate/save these morons. I firmly believe that money could be put to better use instead of interfering with natural selection.

Of course some of the blame falls on the drivers. It is true that Smartphones are creating Dumb Drivers. But, once again we fall back on that 'Look Both Ways' thing. I'm sure these are the same people who can't even be bothered to look before crossing the bike path to get to the seawall.

Dennis Miller once said "Don't sue the inventor of the deep-fryer because you have a fat ass." Well, don't blame the driver if you can't be bothered to look before you cross the street.

The Grouse Grind

So today I ventured up the Grouse Grind. I have done the Grind before but upon reflection, I realized that 15 years have passed since my last go at it. I recall that at that time I completed it in around 1 hour and 20 minutes. After today's journey, I don't know how the hell I managed it in that time frame. Yes, I was younger then but I honestly believe it's harder now. I don't remember it being that tough and I certainly don't remember tons of whining people on the trail. There was one girl in particular that I wanted to push off the cliff. Honey, it's called the Grouse Grind. Not the Grouse Stroll or the Grouse Walk In The Forest. What the hell did you think was awaiting you? The best part was when at the 1/2 way point she exclaimed 'Isn't 1/2 way good enough?'. Really? So how exactly do you think you're going to get off this mountain? There are only 2 obvious ways to me, keep climbing or head back the way you came and I think to keep climbing is the lesser of the 2 evils.

I also loved all the pearls of wisdom I overheard along the trail. The best was, 'The second 1/2 is so much easier than the first'. Really? When I get to the top I'm going to find you and slap you silly, you moron. Kids are the best though. These 2 little boys never stopped talking. I loved it when they said 'I'm never doing this again. Not even when I'm 25'.

It is satisfying when you do make it to the top. Kind of like the 18th hole on the golf course. No matter how much the round sucked, it's the one that keeps you coming back for more. Not that I'll be coming back for more anytime soon. The price gouging alone makes you want to re-think the adventure. $10 for the gondola down. They know you'll pay it because you know what the alternative is. And I have to mention the Starbucks at the base. My Grande Mocha is $4.80 and that's already crazy but $6.03? Are you kidding me? It can't cost that much more to bring coffee up to Grouse Mountain.

Maybe they walk it up.

A New Worldwide Epidemic

Lately the world has been beseiged by natural disasters and other tragic events. Japan, Somalia, Libya. The newspapers and media flood us with tragic images. However, throughout all of this, there is one epidemic that is receiving no attention. The shortage of mirrors.

This problem was first brought to my attention while I was in Miami. At first I thought it to be an isolated incident but the more I travelled, the more I became aware of how wide-reaching the epidemic was. San Francisco, Los Angeles, Houston, Orlando, no where seemed safe. It has now spread and crossed into Canada as well. Vancouver is no longer immune.

Something must be done. Your $5 donation will help a family receive a full-length mirror so that they can leave the house with confidence. This will then aid in the beautification of your city. Operators are standing by. Give what you can. Calls are toll free. 1-800-IStylin. Please help prevent this from happening again.