Things I Wish I Was Gutsy Enough To Tweet #14

If a guy has a tramp stamp, chances are he's #NotABreeder

Vancouver Mornings

I hate going to the gym. The last time I was in a gym I had an anxiety attack during spinning class and left. So since that time I have chosen other forms of exercise which take me outdoors. Living in Vancouver makes this pretty easy. The seawall is my venue of choice for biking & running. Not only is it a spectacular setting but you get the added bonus of people watching during your workout.

I like working out in the morning and I'm always surprised by the number of people out in the a.m. Vancouverites just don't sleep in. And even at 9 am, the colourful people are out. One morning I saw an older lady walking in English Bay wearing her housecoat. Perhaps this is the senior version of the pajama wearing craze that the younger kids seem to have embraced.

During my run last week, I passed a fellow laying on a park bench holding a can of beer. It was 10 am. By the time I was on my return leg I was feeling sluggish and wasn't sure if I was going to be able to complete my loop. As I passed him, he was sitting up. He looked at me, gave me a huge smile and wave and raised his can of beer to me. This made me laugh and gave me a huge burst of energy. I completed my loop with ease. Breakfast of Champions indeed.

I think that Vancouver has the most pampered pooches in the world. They get taken for nice walks along the seawall and if they're tired their owners carry them. If they're older, they get pushed in doggy strollers. Others get to accompany their owners on bike rides in wicker baskets. Maybe it's just that we have the smartest dogs in the world.

I see lots of Canada Geese while I workout. They are everywhere. I'm not a big fan of the Canada Duck as they are, in my opinion, a huge source of pollution. One day in Stanley Park I saw this couple laying out their blanket for what was to be a lovely picnic/suntanning day. They chose a spot right beside a gaggle of our national bird. Nothing like spending the day laying on goose turds.

The concept of bike path/walking path is obviously too difficult for many people. Also, I know the city is beautiful but stopping in the middle of the bike path to take your photo will cause someone to curse you. Ususally me.

I'm always in awe of roller bladers. The ease with which they move. I wish I could be so graceful with wheels under my feet. The best I saw was a girl in old school roller skates. She looked like a 70's throwback. Skating and groovin to her tunes. Made me want to run out and buy some. But then I got real. My ex-husband didn't call me Bambi On Ice without good reason.

The number of outdoor fitness classes is always fun to watch. Stoller babys, yoga & boot camps are just a few that I've seen. I think it's quite clever to use your baby as a weight to help build your biceps. But aren't you going to be picking that child up continuously over the next 3 years anyways? I think your arms will be getting a good workout whether you want them to or not.

But the thing that makes me chuckle the most during my morning workouts is the amount of early morning pot smokers I encounter. I thought you were supposed to wait until 4:20?

Things I Wish I Was Gutsy Enough To Tweet #13

So while sitting with a good friend discussing my dating dilemma he suggested I go blonde. I told him I would look stupid as a blonde. He said, well isn't that the point? #potentialsuccess

Electronic Devices Should Come Equipped With Breathalyzers

I think the time has come for all the latest electronic devices to come equipped with breathalyzers. You should have to blow into some little tube that would register your alcohol content. If you are over .08, no phoning/texting/twittering/facebooking for you. They're called Smartphones right? Well, it's time they got smarter.

Sadly no one is immune. Your phone beeps, you pick it up and all of a sudden you're blindsided by someones drunken rant.
Hello to you too sunshine.
I know that women are probably the most guilty of this disease. We get drunk, sad, weepy, & hormonal but guys are just as bad. Hard to believe but I've been on the receiving end of a few of these drunken proses. In the old days, the person accusing you of not washing the elephant had to be infront of you or at the very least on the phone. You could then gauge their drunkness level for yourself. If you were together, odds are you were just as hammered so it would be a wash. But now, these elephant washing accusations are one-sided.

We now have the electronic walk of shame. You wake up in the morning and once the fog clears you start to piece a few things together. You think to yourself 'Oh no I didn't' but then you grab that phone and all the evidence is there. You can't even deny you said it at this point as there's an electronic record of it. Guys are really screwed here. Women tend not to forget shit and now we have proof. Girls get off easier, we just offer sexual favors and all is forgotten.

Perhaps Hallmark needs to make a line of e-cards addressing this. After all, the damage was done electronically might as well fix it that way.

And they should contain lots of hearts and emoticons.

Things I Wish I Was Gutsy Enough To Tweet #12

So my girlfriend suggested that I sign up with Plenty of Fish. She then continued by saying that you have to be careful because there are a lot of dumbasses on the site. Well, I hope they include an abacus to help keep track of them with their free registration because I'm running out of fingers and toes. #ThankGodForTV

Things I Wish I Was Gutsy Enough To Tweet #11

I always have a good chuckle when I see an otherwise 'cool' guy walking a purse dog. They always look so hate-filled. I imagine that they are silently cursing their girlfriend as you know it was her idea to get the pedigreed equivalent of a long haired rat. There is no way to look macho walking one of those dogs. I'm sure that they would rather drop-kick the critter than walk it and pick up its poop. #GetARealDog

The Dumbass Epidemic

In Things I Wish I Was Gutsy Enough to Tweet #10, I mentioned The Dumbass Epidemic. I realize that I really didn't convey the extent of the problem. Maybe because I myself was in denial.

Thursday night I headed out with a girlfriend to celebrate Cabernet Day (best holiday EVER). We went to local wine bar where I got the opportunity to talk with some wine reps. One of the guys was very nice as well as attractive so needless to say he caught my eye. While he was entertaining clients he kept looking over in my direction so I took that as a good sign. After a while, a very attractive girl came in. They obviously knew each other and it became very apparent that he was very interested in her. You win a few, you lose a few. Now the only reason that this is even remotely worth mentioning is that even Stevie Wonder could of seen the huge 'High Maintenance' sign over this girls' head. It's going to be a bumpy ride for him. He isn't a full Dumbass, let's just tag him Dumbass Lite.

While all of the above was happening, a gentleman came and sat down at the bar beside us. He seemed harmless enough albeit tipsy. Harmless turned into moronic soon enough and there was just no shaking him. I guess he eventually had enough of our hysterical laughter (he couldn't figure out what was so funny) and he just left without saying a word. Drunken Moronic Dumbass.

It came time to switch venues and we headed out to a local bar for some cheap beer. (Cabernet Day was over). The place wasn't very busy but it didn't take long for a guy to join us at the bar. Seemed nice enough. Reasonably intelligent. But then my spidey senses started tingling and his true colors started showing. By using the skills that most girls acquire as teenagers and that I honed during my one season of playing football, I managed to evade his advances, grab a cab and get home. Whiny, needy Dumbass.

So, as you can see, they come in many shapes and sizes. There needs to be an early detection system available to us. Perhaps Dumbasses emit pheramones so we could invent some glassses to aide us in detection. If the image glows bright red, get the hell out. Green could be, good to go. Or what about training a dog to sniff them out? Perfect excuse for me to get another Rottie. Bars and restaurants would have to allow it in with me as he would totally qualify as a Service Dog. Jeff Foxworthy has a bit where he says stupid people should wear signs. Maybe the Dumbasses should too. That would make life really simple but I doubt we could get them to wear them.

Oh wait a minute, they're Dumbasses, of course they would.