Tweet #20

After 20 of these, I had to shorten the title.

Now I realize that I have a fair bit of time on my hands but obviously there are people out there with way more free time than me. Those people stack rocks along the seawall. I've been seeing these balancing acts for years now and sometimes I even see the 'artist' out there asking for 'donations'.

Really? Prove to me that you haven't used 2 part epoxy and I'll consider 'donating' to your artist endeavor. #BlameInnukshuk

4:20 In The Rest Home

I wind up having the strangest conversations with people. Yesterday I was at my chiropractor and she was asking how my mom was doing after her fall (2 hairline fractures in her pelvis btw). I told her mom was doing as well as can be expected and that I have seen improvement in her movement even if she denies it (I see you moving, no sense denying). Mom is getting by on loads of Tylenol 3. From here the conversation took an interesting turn.

Once you reach a certain age (mom is 83) you should be allowed pretty much anything. You kind of deserve it. My chiropractor suggested that more old people should smoke pot. Not the super-duper strains that are out there right now but the older more mellow strains. I've never been a pot smoker. I've tried it twice. The last time was probably over 25 years ago. I was in the Commodore (pre-renos) and ended up falling asleep at the table. In my defense, the Back Doors were playing (a Doors tribute band) and the music did sort of lull me into a very mellow state.

I suggested Medical Marijuana to which she agreed. She said you can get all different kinds. Some that help with pain, some that stimulate appetite (kind of thought all pot did that) and other strains that help with mood fluctuations. This in turn would lead to other benefits such as children would probably visit their ageing parents more often if they were mellower and the grandchildren would probably visit more frequently just to smoke up with them. Instead of happy hour the retirement home could have a gathering at 4:20 each day.

Think of it as the Grateful Not Dead Yet.

Grammar Police in the Online Age

Grammar Police. I have been called that and I'll own it. I'm not a fan of all the abbreviations this new social media age has brought upon us. Yes I can LOL and I've even ROTFL but that's about it. When I get messages from friends full of strange abbreviations they tend to get one back that reads WTF.

As we revert more and more to communication by typing rather than speaking, spelling (or one's lack of ability at it) is becoming apparent. I hate making spelling mistakes. Whether it's in an email/text/tweet/facebook it bugs me. If I'm writing in Italian I know that I won't be judged too severely as it is my second language after all but even that annoys me. So now spelling has become a new factor in dating.

I was visiting a friend who is active in online dating. I was curious to know how it all worked so she started showing me the site and explaining things to me. The minute we logged in, her computer started going crazy with pop-up requests for chats and messages that were arriving in her inbox. We started reading some of them and what struck me the most was the awful spelling. So how would a shield carrying member of the Grammar Police deal with this? Well, if you can't spell Scotland (not Scohtland) chances are I won't meet you for coffee.

Perhaps I'm just too old school. I remember when the teacher used to hand back assignments with things circled in red with the sp notation. Ah, but teachers aren't doing any of that these days are they. My mother used to make me write letters to Italy in rough draft then she would correct them (she also enjoyed her red pen). I would then re-write them on the 'nice' paper for mailing. I've seen people reply to tweets correcting the spelling of the tweeter of origin. This does not go over well. Typically the tweeter corrector is assaulted and called a variety of things. Was he being pompous or just looking out for the greater good of mankind?

So we have a generation that relies on written communication with poor spelling skills that don't care that they have poor spelling skills. So to the dude who can't wait to go visit Scohtland, enjoy yourself but I won't be meeting you for coffee after to discuss your trip.

Things I Wish I Was Gutsy Enough To Tweet #19

While watching football yesterday there was a commercial for a dating website. I've heard of this particular site before but somehow it slipped my mind. CougarLife.com. I can only imagine the collection of dumbasses on there. #ShouldIOrShouldntI

Things I Wish I Was Gutsy Enough To Tweet #18

Just overheard 2 drunken women loudly complaining about men and dating in 2011. I couldn't help but laugh. Whoever 'Rob' is, he sounds like a dumbass. Glad to know that it's not just me having these experiences. #DumbassEpidemic

Things I Wish I Was Gutsy Enough To Tweet #17

Vancouver has a bylaw which requires dog owners to pick up their pooches poop. But why is it that that bylaw doesn't apply to horses. Horse poop is much larger than dog poop. I want to see the VPD with pooper scooper bags attached to the reins. #PickUpYourPoop

Things I Wish I Was Gutsy Enough To Tweet #16

When you're feeling remorse about "unfollowing" someone, go back in and look at their twitter feed. When you realise it's all inane BS, you know you've made the right decision. #ImSmarterThanYou

Blame LuluLemon

Recently Vancouver was named one of the world's worst dressed cities and yoga pants were to blame. Well, not the pants themselves but the fact that the majority of yoga pant wearing people never actually set foot in a yoga studio. Yoga pants have become the standard uniform for the majority of Vancouver women. And not just any yoga pants, LuluLemon yoga pants.

I am of the opinion that most Vancouver women have that Greek symbol (is it Greek?) branded on their butts. When I'm in Italy and I have a tourist group the minute I see that logo I figure there's a 90% chance that person is from Vancouver. And I'm usually right. One woman loved her Lulu's so much that when I told her there was an outlet she nearly fainted with joy. I don't think seeing Michelangelo's David got her that excited. She even made a point of getting in touch with me after her vacation to get the info on the exact location of the outlet. Glad you got so much out of your 2 week Tuscan vacation.

Perhaps I'm just bitter. For the record, I don't own a single pair of LuluLemon yoga pants. Not like I haven't tried. Everyone wants to fit in but everytime I go to attempt a purchase, each and every pair that I try on gives me camel toe. Over $100 for a pair of yoga pants which produce this incredibly attractive effect. NOT!

And the people at Lulu are really smart. They used to have a promotion (perhaps they still do) that if you submitted a design for a clothing article and they made it, you got that article for free. How genius is that? Not only do you charge insane amounts of money for workout wear but you get your customers to do the designing for you thus not having to actually pay a real designer. Brilliant.

So I am relegated to walking around Vancouver in inferior yoga pants or god forbid, real clothes like jeans. No wonder I get stared at.

I Knew The Bride When She Used To Rock N Roll

On Saturday I made my way over to "The Rock" (Victoria) to attend my good friends' wedding. Living in different parts of the world it's hard to stay connected but we keep in touch as best we can. I hadn't seen her in a couple of years so my first view of her after all that time was when she was walking down the aisle. I burst into tears the minute I saw her as she was just so stunningly beautiful. She took my breath away. Not that she isn't beautiful on a normal day, it's just that on this day she was ridiculously so.

I've been to my fair share of weddings (including my own) but I can honestly say that I can count on one hand the ones that I've been really excited about attending. This was one of them. As is the case in most wedding situations, you generally only know a handful of the guests. So, I tend to spend a fair bit of time observing everyone. It was very obvious the love and affection that everyone had for the bride and groom. Not to mention how truly thrilled they were for them. What was really funny though was when asked, almost no one knew how long they'd been together or how they met. All that mattered was the joy they obviously brought to each other. I think the bride's face is still hurting from all the smiling.

So to K & C, thank-you for allowing me to share in your incredibly special day. It warmed my cold, cold heart. Those tears were just the ice melting. May every day contain a bouncy "C" and never forget.......I Love Your Bum.

A WineSnob Update

The last few years have been challenging. Ever since that phone call in December 2007, things have not been the same. I had just won the Sommelier of the Year competition when I got a cryptic call from my mom. She's fun that way. All she would say was that I needed to get home ASAP. Upon my arrival, I find out that she has to go into the hospital for a lumpectomy and I need to take care of dad. My dad's Alzheimers was rather advanced but still managable.

The operation went well but she required 6 weeks of radiation. Those were special mother/daughter moments. We didn't kill each other so, overall, it was a success. I credit that success to Grey Goose. I drank a lot of vodka in that 6 weeks. I think I should of gotten a token of appreciation from them as I'm sure their stocks went up. After this there was the sale of the family home that they had been in for 42 years. Another fun event as they had not thrown anything away in all that time. Dad figured, we have the room, might as well hang on to it. The house got sold, a condo was purchased and they were settled.....sort of.

Dad's Alzheimers progressed quite rapidly in 2008. He really needed to go into a home but mom would not hear of it. I headed back to Italy and within less than a month I get another call. She can't handle dad and he needs to go into a home. With 2 weeks until Christmas that wasn't going to happen so she just had to hang in there. Dad went into a home in January 2009.

I cannot put into words how awful it is to watch someone you love deteriorate right in front of your eyes. To see them so scared and helpless. It just broke my heart. When all seemed settled, I went back to Italy. One month later, I get a call. By this point I'm really hating that phone. Dad was in the hospital and things weren't looking good. It was 3 am for me and I was on a plane at 10 am. Thank goodness for the internet. I made it to the hospital 24 hours after I'd spoken with mom. Dad passed less than 6 hours later.

The rest of the year passed with little drama as did 2010. 2010 had drama (thanks Casa Italia) just not family drama. By the end of the year mom decided she no longer wanted to live alone and wanted to go into a retirement facility. An excellent decision. So I returned in March to list the condo and get the wheels in motion. I figured by summer all would be sorted. Not so. The market is in the toilet and nothing is moving and the weight of the past few years began to take their toll.

The past few months have been challenging. Trying to stay positive and focused in what is becoming a never ending state of limbo. A decision needed to be made and even though I knew what it was, I was afraid to make it. The other night it was made for me. I came home to an awful message from my mother. She had fallen and was in quite the state. By the time I called her back, she was calm and had gotten some help. I spent the next day with her. She isn't injured. I'm not even sure what she actually did to cause her to fall. But now, she's taking full advantage. As a friend of mine once said, she installed the buttons so she knows exactly where they are to push. Last night she called at 2 am wondering where I was. She had no clue it was 2 am. Now I get to add over-medicating to my list of concerns.

So, with all of that, I have decided to relocate back in January. I can no longer be torn between 2 worlds as I'm the one who will snap. Don't know what I will do just yet. Lumber or wine? Maybe lumber with a side of wine. I will probably take even more wine courses. I'm sure there's some obscure wine producing nation that I haven't come across yet.

But until then, I'm going to enjoy the rest of the year. My annual Halloween cruise is just around the corner and if anyone can raise my spirits, my Aquafest family can. I will go back to Italy for Christmas as planned. People are counting on me to cook a turkey and I hate to disappoint.

And I will continue to share my observations in a way that I hope everyone finds entertaining even if not always the most PC.

If there's a dumbass out there, you know he'll find me.

Things I Wish I Was Gutsy Enough To Tweet #15

As a WineSnob, my sense of smell is very important. The Olfactory Sense (if you want to be technical), is very powerful. Memories are often triggered by certain smells.
There is a horse-drawn trolley tour in Stanley Park. I'm sure that from now on whenever those tourists smell horseshit they will forever remember our city. #VancouverStinks

Dumbasses Explained

I am an only child. As such, I didn't have the benefit/torture of an older sibling. Or the ability to torture a younger one.

But, the universe did provide for me in the way of a career in the lumber industry. There I accumulated a great deal of annoying big brothers. Take everything you ever did to your little sister and multiply that til you can't calculate anymore.

I was always fast on my feet (even in heels) but this just made me sharper. I took great pleasure at always having a witty comeback at the ready.

So recently I was catching up with one of my 'big brothers' about my current state of affairs. I was lamenting about how all the men I meet are complete dumbasses. In true 'big brother' fashion, he had a pearl of wisdom to offer me.

He said, 'After all that we subjected you to, I pity the guy who tries to hit on you. He won't know what hit him.'

Thanks. A back-handed compliment if I've ever heard one.

That and $2.10 gets me bus fare. (depending on how many zones I have to travel)

Unfit Youth

A while ago I was at a girlfriends' house and noticed a flyer for a local gym on her kitchen table. I asked if her husband was planning on joining (he was recovering from knee surgery). She said that it was her 16 year old daughter that was looking to join. Huh? 16 years old and looking to join a gym? I was baffled. Isn't that what PE is for? Apparently these days there is very little physical education offered in the schools. The conversation progressed to our own memories of PE which consisted of the boys who we thought were cute or the number of times we skipped out. I guess not much physical education was done in our day either.

I didn't think much more about this until the other night. Ke$ha was in town and I happened to be near the stadium and began noticing the girls going to the concert. The thing that really caught my eye was how unfit these girls were. Girls in their late teens and early 20's already showing signs of cellutlite. WTF! At their age, the only reason I even knew what cellulite was is because my mother complained about it. Then I thought back a few weeks to when I was at the football game and remembered the girl that not only had cellulite on the backs of her legs but also on her thighs. She was in her 20's. I had a guy tell me recently that cellulite wasn't a deal-breaker. The guys I used to work with winced if a woman in her 40's had cellulite. But I guess it really can't be a deal-breaker these days if the majority are afflicted by it.

What is going on? Are we on our way to creating the Super-Sized society that is engulfing our neighbors to the south? It's obvious that our city has a distinctive divide. On the one hand, you've got the fitness freaks and on the other the youth that have grown up on Chicken McNuggets.

So for any of you girls reading this, here's WineSnob's guide to avoiding cellulite. Start wearing high heels. I've been wearing heels daily since I was 16. My favorite boots in high school had 3 1/2 inch heels. Wore them religiously. I remember when I moved up to 4" heels and then 5" stillettos. There was that very dark period when heels were no longer fashionable but I overcame. I started buying shoes where all the strippers shopped. I frequented that store so often I became eligible for the 'dancers discount'. But it's easier and cheaper now to find stylish high heels so you have no excuse.

It won't be easy at first but nothing worth having ever is. Start low and work your way up and pretty soon you'll find that you can't imagine not wearing them. Plus there is the added leg workout bonus. Your calves will develop in such a way that when you do decide to go to the gym you can avoid doing all those donkey raises. I was in a fitness class recently with a whole series of calf related exercises. I had a little rest during that section. I once dated a body-builder who literally cried when he saw my calves. All his years of training and he couldn't achieve what I had.

The benefits are endless. Only good can come from wearing heels. I climbed the pyramids in Egypt in 3" wedges. My friends still talk about that. It has become the stuff of legend. And don't worry about being taller than the boys. If any of them give you grief, just remind them that it's inconsequential once you're horizontal.

Things I Wish I Was Gutsy Enough To Tweet #14

If a guy has a tramp stamp, chances are he's #NotABreeder

Vancouver Mornings

I hate going to the gym. The last time I was in a gym I had an anxiety attack during spinning class and left. So since that time I have chosen other forms of exercise which take me outdoors. Living in Vancouver makes this pretty easy. The seawall is my venue of choice for biking & running. Not only is it a spectacular setting but you get the added bonus of people watching during your workout.

I like working out in the morning and I'm always surprised by the number of people out in the a.m. Vancouverites just don't sleep in. And even at 9 am, the colourful people are out. One morning I saw an older lady walking in English Bay wearing her housecoat. Perhaps this is the senior version of the pajama wearing craze that the younger kids seem to have embraced.

During my run last week, I passed a fellow laying on a park bench holding a can of beer. It was 10 am. By the time I was on my return leg I was feeling sluggish and wasn't sure if I was going to be able to complete my loop. As I passed him, he was sitting up. He looked at me, gave me a huge smile and wave and raised his can of beer to me. This made me laugh and gave me a huge burst of energy. I completed my loop with ease. Breakfast of Champions indeed.

I think that Vancouver has the most pampered pooches in the world. They get taken for nice walks along the seawall and if they're tired their owners carry them. If they're older, they get pushed in doggy strollers. Others get to accompany their owners on bike rides in wicker baskets. Maybe it's just that we have the smartest dogs in the world.

I see lots of Canada Geese while I workout. They are everywhere. I'm not a big fan of the Canada Duck as they are, in my opinion, a huge source of pollution. One day in Stanley Park I saw this couple laying out their blanket for what was to be a lovely picnic/suntanning day. They chose a spot right beside a gaggle of our national bird. Nothing like spending the day laying on goose turds.

The concept of bike path/walking path is obviously too difficult for many people. Also, I know the city is beautiful but stopping in the middle of the bike path to take your photo will cause someone to curse you. Ususally me.

I'm always in awe of roller bladers. The ease with which they move. I wish I could be so graceful with wheels under my feet. The best I saw was a girl in old school roller skates. She looked like a 70's throwback. Skating and groovin to her tunes. Made me want to run out and buy some. But then I got real. My ex-husband didn't call me Bambi On Ice without good reason.

The number of outdoor fitness classes is always fun to watch. Stoller babys, yoga & boot camps are just a few that I've seen. I think it's quite clever to use your baby as a weight to help build your biceps. But aren't you going to be picking that child up continuously over the next 3 years anyways? I think your arms will be getting a good workout whether you want them to or not.

But the thing that makes me chuckle the most during my morning workouts is the amount of early morning pot smokers I encounter. I thought you were supposed to wait until 4:20?

Things I Wish I Was Gutsy Enough To Tweet #13

So while sitting with a good friend discussing my dating dilemma he suggested I go blonde. I told him I would look stupid as a blonde. He said, well isn't that the point? #potentialsuccess

Electronic Devices Should Come Equipped With Breathalyzers

I think the time has come for all the latest electronic devices to come equipped with breathalyzers. You should have to blow into some little tube that would register your alcohol content. If you are over .08, no phoning/texting/twittering/facebooking for you. They're called Smartphones right? Well, it's time they got smarter.

Sadly no one is immune. Your phone beeps, you pick it up and all of a sudden you're blindsided by someones drunken rant.
Hello to you too sunshine.
I know that women are probably the most guilty of this disease. We get drunk, sad, weepy, & hormonal but guys are just as bad. Hard to believe but I've been on the receiving end of a few of these drunken proses. In the old days, the person accusing you of not washing the elephant had to be infront of you or at the very least on the phone. You could then gauge their drunkness level for yourself. If you were together, odds are you were just as hammered so it would be a wash. But now, these elephant washing accusations are one-sided.

We now have the electronic walk of shame. You wake up in the morning and once the fog clears you start to piece a few things together. You think to yourself 'Oh no I didn't' but then you grab that phone and all the evidence is there. You can't even deny you said it at this point as there's an electronic record of it. Guys are really screwed here. Women tend not to forget shit and now we have proof. Girls get off easier, we just offer sexual favors and all is forgotten.

Perhaps Hallmark needs to make a line of e-cards addressing this. After all, the damage was done electronically might as well fix it that way.

And they should contain lots of hearts and emoticons.

Things I Wish I Was Gutsy Enough To Tweet #12

So my girlfriend suggested that I sign up with Plenty of Fish. She then continued by saying that you have to be careful because there are a lot of dumbasses on the site. Well, I hope they include an abacus to help keep track of them with their free registration because I'm running out of fingers and toes. #ThankGodForTV

Things I Wish I Was Gutsy Enough To Tweet #11

I always have a good chuckle when I see an otherwise 'cool' guy walking a purse dog. They always look so hate-filled. I imagine that they are silently cursing their girlfriend as you know it was her idea to get the pedigreed equivalent of a long haired rat. There is no way to look macho walking one of those dogs. I'm sure that they would rather drop-kick the critter than walk it and pick up its poop. #GetARealDog

The Dumbass Epidemic

In Things I Wish I Was Gutsy Enough to Tweet #10, I mentioned The Dumbass Epidemic. I realize that I really didn't convey the extent of the problem. Maybe because I myself was in denial.

Thursday night I headed out with a girlfriend to celebrate Cabernet Day (best holiday EVER). We went to local wine bar where I got the opportunity to talk with some wine reps. One of the guys was very nice as well as attractive so needless to say he caught my eye. While he was entertaining clients he kept looking over in my direction so I took that as a good sign. After a while, a very attractive girl came in. They obviously knew each other and it became very apparent that he was very interested in her. You win a few, you lose a few. Now the only reason that this is even remotely worth mentioning is that even Stevie Wonder could of seen the huge 'High Maintenance' sign over this girls' head. It's going to be a bumpy ride for him. He isn't a full Dumbass, let's just tag him Dumbass Lite.

While all of the above was happening, a gentleman came and sat down at the bar beside us. He seemed harmless enough albeit tipsy. Harmless turned into moronic soon enough and there was just no shaking him. I guess he eventually had enough of our hysterical laughter (he couldn't figure out what was so funny) and he just left without saying a word. Drunken Moronic Dumbass.

It came time to switch venues and we headed out to a local bar for some cheap beer. (Cabernet Day was over). The place wasn't very busy but it didn't take long for a guy to join us at the bar. Seemed nice enough. Reasonably intelligent. But then my spidey senses started tingling and his true colors started showing. By using the skills that most girls acquire as teenagers and that I honed during my one season of playing football, I managed to evade his advances, grab a cab and get home. Whiny, needy Dumbass.

So, as you can see, they come in many shapes and sizes. There needs to be an early detection system available to us. Perhaps Dumbasses emit pheramones so we could invent some glassses to aide us in detection. If the image glows bright red, get the hell out. Green could be, good to go. Or what about training a dog to sniff them out? Perfect excuse for me to get another Rottie. Bars and restaurants would have to allow it in with me as he would totally qualify as a Service Dog. Jeff Foxworthy has a bit where he says stupid people should wear signs. Maybe the Dumbasses should too. That would make life really simple but I doubt we could get them to wear them.

Oh wait a minute, they're Dumbasses, of course they would.