Things I Wish I Was Gutsy Enough To Tweet #16

When you're feeling remorse about "unfollowing" someone, go back in and look at their twitter feed. When you realise it's all inane BS, you know you've made the right decision. #ImSmarterThanYou

Blame LuluLemon

Recently Vancouver was named one of the world's worst dressed cities and yoga pants were to blame. Well, not the pants themselves but the fact that the majority of yoga pant wearing people never actually set foot in a yoga studio. Yoga pants have become the standard uniform for the majority of Vancouver women. And not just any yoga pants, LuluLemon yoga pants.

I am of the opinion that most Vancouver women have that Greek symbol (is it Greek?) branded on their butts. When I'm in Italy and I have a tourist group the minute I see that logo I figure there's a 90% chance that person is from Vancouver. And I'm usually right. One woman loved her Lulu's so much that when I told her there was an outlet she nearly fainted with joy. I don't think seeing Michelangelo's David got her that excited. She even made a point of getting in touch with me after her vacation to get the info on the exact location of the outlet. Glad you got so much out of your 2 week Tuscan vacation.

Perhaps I'm just bitter. For the record, I don't own a single pair of LuluLemon yoga pants. Not like I haven't tried. Everyone wants to fit in but everytime I go to attempt a purchase, each and every pair that I try on gives me camel toe. Over $100 for a pair of yoga pants which produce this incredibly attractive effect. NOT!

And the people at Lulu are really smart. They used to have a promotion (perhaps they still do) that if you submitted a design for a clothing article and they made it, you got that article for free. How genius is that? Not only do you charge insane amounts of money for workout wear but you get your customers to do the designing for you thus not having to actually pay a real designer. Brilliant.

So I am relegated to walking around Vancouver in inferior yoga pants or god forbid, real clothes like jeans. No wonder I get stared at.

I Knew The Bride When She Used To Rock N Roll

On Saturday I made my way over to "The Rock" (Victoria) to attend my good friends' wedding. Living in different parts of the world it's hard to stay connected but we keep in touch as best we can. I hadn't seen her in a couple of years so my first view of her after all that time was when she was walking down the aisle. I burst into tears the minute I saw her as she was just so stunningly beautiful. She took my breath away. Not that she isn't beautiful on a normal day, it's just that on this day she was ridiculously so.

I've been to my fair share of weddings (including my own) but I can honestly say that I can count on one hand the ones that I've been really excited about attending. This was one of them. As is the case in most wedding situations, you generally only know a handful of the guests. So, I tend to spend a fair bit of time observing everyone. It was very obvious the love and affection that everyone had for the bride and groom. Not to mention how truly thrilled they were for them. What was really funny though was when asked, almost no one knew how long they'd been together or how they met. All that mattered was the joy they obviously brought to each other. I think the bride's face is still hurting from all the smiling.

So to K & C, thank-you for allowing me to share in your incredibly special day. It warmed my cold, cold heart. Those tears were just the ice melting. May every day contain a bouncy "C" and never forget.......I Love Your Bum.

A WineSnob Update

The last few years have been challenging. Ever since that phone call in December 2007, things have not been the same. I had just won the Sommelier of the Year competition when I got a cryptic call from my mom. She's fun that way. All she would say was that I needed to get home ASAP. Upon my arrival, I find out that she has to go into the hospital for a lumpectomy and I need to take care of dad. My dad's Alzheimers was rather advanced but still managable.

The operation went well but she required 6 weeks of radiation. Those were special mother/daughter moments. We didn't kill each other so, overall, it was a success. I credit that success to Grey Goose. I drank a lot of vodka in that 6 weeks. I think I should of gotten a token of appreciation from them as I'm sure their stocks went up. After this there was the sale of the family home that they had been in for 42 years. Another fun event as they had not thrown anything away in all that time. Dad figured, we have the room, might as well hang on to it. The house got sold, a condo was purchased and they were settled.....sort of.

Dad's Alzheimers progressed quite rapidly in 2008. He really needed to go into a home but mom would not hear of it. I headed back to Italy and within less than a month I get another call. She can't handle dad and he needs to go into a home. With 2 weeks until Christmas that wasn't going to happen so she just had to hang in there. Dad went into a home in January 2009.

I cannot put into words how awful it is to watch someone you love deteriorate right in front of your eyes. To see them so scared and helpless. It just broke my heart. When all seemed settled, I went back to Italy. One month later, I get a call. By this point I'm really hating that phone. Dad was in the hospital and things weren't looking good. It was 3 am for me and I was on a plane at 10 am. Thank goodness for the internet. I made it to the hospital 24 hours after I'd spoken with mom. Dad passed less than 6 hours later.

The rest of the year passed with little drama as did 2010. 2010 had drama (thanks Casa Italia) just not family drama. By the end of the year mom decided she no longer wanted to live alone and wanted to go into a retirement facility. An excellent decision. So I returned in March to list the condo and get the wheels in motion. I figured by summer all would be sorted. Not so. The market is in the toilet and nothing is moving and the weight of the past few years began to take their toll.

The past few months have been challenging. Trying to stay positive and focused in what is becoming a never ending state of limbo. A decision needed to be made and even though I knew what it was, I was afraid to make it. The other night it was made for me. I came home to an awful message from my mother. She had fallen and was in quite the state. By the time I called her back, she was calm and had gotten some help. I spent the next day with her. She isn't injured. I'm not even sure what she actually did to cause her to fall. But now, she's taking full advantage. As a friend of mine once said, she installed the buttons so she knows exactly where they are to push. Last night she called at 2 am wondering where I was. She had no clue it was 2 am. Now I get to add over-medicating to my list of concerns.

So, with all of that, I have decided to relocate back in January. I can no longer be torn between 2 worlds as I'm the one who will snap. Don't know what I will do just yet. Lumber or wine? Maybe lumber with a side of wine. I will probably take even more wine courses. I'm sure there's some obscure wine producing nation that I haven't come across yet.

But until then, I'm going to enjoy the rest of the year. My annual Halloween cruise is just around the corner and if anyone can raise my spirits, my Aquafest family can. I will go back to Italy for Christmas as planned. People are counting on me to cook a turkey and I hate to disappoint.

And I will continue to share my observations in a way that I hope everyone finds entertaining even if not always the most PC.

If there's a dumbass out there, you know he'll find me.

Things I Wish I Was Gutsy Enough To Tweet #15

As a WineSnob, my sense of smell is very important. The Olfactory Sense (if you want to be technical), is very powerful. Memories are often triggered by certain smells.
There is a horse-drawn trolley tour in Stanley Park. I'm sure that from now on whenever those tourists smell horseshit they will forever remember our city. #VancouverStinks

Dumbasses Explained

I am an only child. As such, I didn't have the benefit/torture of an older sibling. Or the ability to torture a younger one.

But, the universe did provide for me in the way of a career in the lumber industry. There I accumulated a great deal of annoying big brothers. Take everything you ever did to your little sister and multiply that til you can't calculate anymore.

I was always fast on my feet (even in heels) but this just made me sharper. I took great pleasure at always having a witty comeback at the ready.

So recently I was catching up with one of my 'big brothers' about my current state of affairs. I was lamenting about how all the men I meet are complete dumbasses. In true 'big brother' fashion, he had a pearl of wisdom to offer me.

He said, 'After all that we subjected you to, I pity the guy who tries to hit on you. He won't know what hit him.'

Thanks. A back-handed compliment if I've ever heard one.

That and $2.10 gets me bus fare. (depending on how many zones I have to travel)

Unfit Youth

A while ago I was at a girlfriends' house and noticed a flyer for a local gym on her kitchen table. I asked if her husband was planning on joining (he was recovering from knee surgery). She said that it was her 16 year old daughter that was looking to join. Huh? 16 years old and looking to join a gym? I was baffled. Isn't that what PE is for? Apparently these days there is very little physical education offered in the schools. The conversation progressed to our own memories of PE which consisted of the boys who we thought were cute or the number of times we skipped out. I guess not much physical education was done in our day either.

I didn't think much more about this until the other night. Ke$ha was in town and I happened to be near the stadium and began noticing the girls going to the concert. The thing that really caught my eye was how unfit these girls were. Girls in their late teens and early 20's already showing signs of cellutlite. WTF! At their age, the only reason I even knew what cellulite was is because my mother complained about it. Then I thought back a few weeks to when I was at the football game and remembered the girl that not only had cellulite on the backs of her legs but also on her thighs. She was in her 20's. I had a guy tell me recently that cellulite wasn't a deal-breaker. The guys I used to work with winced if a woman in her 40's had cellulite. But I guess it really can't be a deal-breaker these days if the majority are afflicted by it.

What is going on? Are we on our way to creating the Super-Sized society that is engulfing our neighbors to the south? It's obvious that our city has a distinctive divide. On the one hand, you've got the fitness freaks and on the other the youth that have grown up on Chicken McNuggets.

So for any of you girls reading this, here's WineSnob's guide to avoiding cellulite. Start wearing high heels. I've been wearing heels daily since I was 16. My favorite boots in high school had 3 1/2 inch heels. Wore them religiously. I remember when I moved up to 4" heels and then 5" stillettos. There was that very dark period when heels were no longer fashionable but I overcame. I started buying shoes where all the strippers shopped. I frequented that store so often I became eligible for the 'dancers discount'. But it's easier and cheaper now to find stylish high heels so you have no excuse.

It won't be easy at first but nothing worth having ever is. Start low and work your way up and pretty soon you'll find that you can't imagine not wearing them. Plus there is the added leg workout bonus. Your calves will develop in such a way that when you do decide to go to the gym you can avoid doing all those donkey raises. I was in a fitness class recently with a whole series of calf related exercises. I had a little rest during that section. I once dated a body-builder who literally cried when he saw my calves. All his years of training and he couldn't achieve what I had.

The benefits are endless. Only good can come from wearing heels. I climbed the pyramids in Egypt in 3" wedges. My friends still talk about that. It has become the stuff of legend. And don't worry about being taller than the boys. If any of them give you grief, just remind them that it's inconsequential once you're horizontal.