Open letter to my fellow guests,
Shut the F Up!
To the Russian boys, I get that you're having a good time but it's midnight and the rest of us don't want to listen to you. Plus we can't understand a word you're saying which makes eavesdropping useless. You really don't want me to come out there and Shhhh you. You are just lucky that my door was double locked because at 1 am you were about to get an earful and by the time I managed to navigate the intricate set of hotel locks you'd already scurried into your room.
To my neighbors, I'm really sorry that you have to be up at 7 am but I don't. How loud must you be at that hour? The sun wasn't even up yet. Unlike you, I need my beauty sleep and I don't have a timetable.
Hotel walls are paper thin. You don't realize it because I'm a polite hotel neighbor. Next time, I'll rent a screaming kid to prove my point.
Tuesday, October 25, 2011
Monday, October 24, 2011
But He Seemed So Nice Last Night When I Was Drunk
Best Line EVER!! It's what my girlfriend said to me after telling me her latest dumbass tale.
I have now become the go-to gal for dumbass stories. I'm actually enjoying it as it makes me feel like it isn't just me that attracts these amazing individuals. So on the weekend my friend was at the Commodore where she met two brothers. One was obviously smitten with her but she took a shine to the other brother. During the night she actually said to him that he seemed 'so much smarter' than his brother. Oh how those words would come back to haunt her.
So after and enjoyable night of drinking and dancing, numbers were exchanged with the promise to see each other soon. The next morning upon turning on her phone there was an awaiting text with an invite to go to Squamish and climb the Chief. After a polite refusal, she proceeded to receive a series of texts detailing a dream that he had the night before. I love technology. In the old days, the dumbasses verbally told you these things. Now, they write them for a permanent record of their dumbassedness. All it takes is a little copy & paste and you can share their eloquent prose. What follows is what my friend received. I almost snorted out my wine when I read it so you've been warned.
.....had a wonderful dream about you last night, it was so vivid, I was a pirate, sailing the blue waters of the bahamas, when I bumped into you, would you like to hear it? Might take some time to write it down, and parts are a little risque', I am intrigued, did you ever instantly know you were going to like and trust someone for a long, long time, a timeless connection, I believe the greatest adventure is to explore one's passions, we seem to walk the same path, light years apart....its precisely this deep connection that is so charming, spiritual and unlimited, for I am also an intellectual adventurer as well, willing to sink my ship in the ocean of infinity..... to begin the world anew, have a wonderful day.
....Tropical storm had been raging for two days when your ship had gone down, after that... only clouded memories adrift in the waves, when you thought you could not hold on any longer, you felt the strong hands of a stranger lift you out of the water, so tired you drift off again, next time your eyes open, you hear the waves crashing on the shore, look to see yourself in a seaside cabana, with a note......it says 'Milady....water and a fruit are at the table, have gone to catch lunch, throw on the some clean clothes, and join me out at the surf when your ready ' I see you standing on shore of this tropical paradise, in that moment as you feel that exquisite pleasure, the intense feeling of our attraction, a smile washes over your face, as you wave, so happy to be alive, as I climb out of the surf, you see the muscles strain to carry the catch up the beach, a little rough on the edges, this pirate was all man, knowing he could have taken advantage of her vulnerability, he was the perfect gentleman, "where am I" you ask?"
...."Your on my island....I rescued you from drowning...I am T, but some call me the Waterwolf" as I kiss your hand....come.....we will replenish your strength from some of the supplies I recovered from your ship, I break open a case of the most exquisite vintage wine, untouched by the salt water, poured into the large goblet, hand it to you, before taking a big swig out of the bottle myself, savouring the rich taste this wine....
....Some pirate dream eh....;) sorry about that ramble, writing is a creative outlet for me, the wine was Mission Hill I think....someday I will tell you how the dream ends.....
So after deciding that accepting his Facebook request was not in her best interest and that perhaps this dude is a bit much for her, she politely offered to introduce him to me. She's selfless like that. As flattered as I was, I declined the offer.
I think Waterwolf will be enjoying his catch and his vintage Mission Hill all by himself. He won't be sinking his ship in my friends' ocean of infinity.
Note.....no grammar was corrected in the texts.
I have now become the go-to gal for dumbass stories. I'm actually enjoying it as it makes me feel like it isn't just me that attracts these amazing individuals. So on the weekend my friend was at the Commodore where she met two brothers. One was obviously smitten with her but she took a shine to the other brother. During the night she actually said to him that he seemed 'so much smarter' than his brother. Oh how those words would come back to haunt her.
So after and enjoyable night of drinking and dancing, numbers were exchanged with the promise to see each other soon. The next morning upon turning on her phone there was an awaiting text with an invite to go to Squamish and climb the Chief. After a polite refusal, she proceeded to receive a series of texts detailing a dream that he had the night before. I love technology. In the old days, the dumbasses verbally told you these things. Now, they write them for a permanent record of their dumbassedness. All it takes is a little copy & paste and you can share their eloquent prose. What follows is what my friend received. I almost snorted out my wine when I read it so you've been warned.
.....had a wonderful dream about you last night, it was so vivid, I was a pirate, sailing the blue waters of the bahamas, when I bumped into you, would you like to hear it? Might take some time to write it down, and parts are a little risque', I am intrigued, did you ever instantly know you were going to like and trust someone for a long, long time, a timeless connection, I believe the greatest adventure is to explore one's passions, we seem to walk the same path, light years apart....its precisely this deep connection that is so charming, spiritual and unlimited, for I am also an intellectual adventurer as well, willing to sink my ship in the ocean of infinity..... to begin the world anew, have a wonderful day.
....Tropical storm had been raging for two days when your ship had gone down, after that... only clouded memories adrift in the waves, when you thought you could not hold on any longer, you felt the strong hands of a stranger lift you out of the water, so tired you drift off again, next time your eyes open, you hear the waves crashing on the shore, look to see yourself in a seaside cabana, with a note......it says 'Milady....water and a fruit are at the table, have gone to catch lunch, throw on the some clean clothes, and join me out at the surf when your ready ' I see you standing on shore of this tropical paradise, in that moment as you feel that exquisite pleasure, the intense feeling of our attraction, a smile washes over your face, as you wave, so happy to be alive, as I climb out of the surf, you see the muscles strain to carry the catch up the beach, a little rough on the edges, this pirate was all man, knowing he could have taken advantage of her vulnerability, he was the perfect gentleman, "where am I" you ask?"
...."Your on my island....I rescued you from drowning...I am T, but some call me the Waterwolf" as I kiss your hand....come.....we will replenish your strength from some of the supplies I recovered from your ship, I break open a case of the most exquisite vintage wine, untouched by the salt water, poured into the large goblet, hand it to you, before taking a big swig out of the bottle myself, savouring the rich taste this wine....
....Some pirate dream eh....;) sorry about that ramble, writing is a creative outlet for me, the wine was Mission Hill I think....someday I will tell you how the dream ends.....
So after deciding that accepting his Facebook request was not in her best interest and that perhaps this dude is a bit much for her, she politely offered to introduce him to me. She's selfless like that. As flattered as I was, I declined the offer.
I think Waterwolf will be enjoying his catch and his vintage Mission Hill all by himself. He won't be sinking his ship in my friends' ocean of infinity.
Note.....no grammar was corrected in the texts.
Thursday, October 20, 2011
The Real Dumbasses....The Sequel
So it seems my last blog resonated with more than a few people. Always nice to know that people are reading and enjoying. Some readers felt compelled to share a few of their dumbass stories. I think there may be a market for this reality show.
Most of the stories that were told involved incounters with men from dating websites. As I have long suspected, this is a dumbass breeding ground. No need to go out, you can be a dumbass from the comfort of your own home or office. (If they're being dumbasses from the office, odds are they are married).
One story that I found most amusing was the dumbass who was indeed messaging from the office. (Yes, he was married). After a brief period he chose to send images of his erect penis. Seriously? I'm wondering what kind of response he was looking for. What is the correct response to that? And if one picture wasn't enough, he proceeded to send 2 more. Now here's the thing... Guys, if you are going to send penis shots to a girl you need to know that she will save them and when the girls are over drinking wine, she will show them. And they will laugh. I'm pretty sure this isn't the reaction you were looking for. I happened to view the aforementioned photos and what caught my eye was that he was wearing a different shirt in the third shot. Again, I'm pretty sure that wasn't what I was supposed to be noticing. What happened between shot 2 & 3 to warrant an outfit change? Best not to know.
Another story along a similar vein was of the dumbass who decided to send what he deemed an 'artistic' photo. Taken in the bathroom (naturally) he was butt naked with his hand covering the family jewels. Artistic and tasteful was how he described it. I guess my definition of artistic differs from others.
One dumbass requested a video chat. Upon acceptance, he proceeded to do a striptease. My source told me he was no Chippendale. Too bad that one wasn't recorded for wine night.
Now for all you non-dumbass males reading, please don't take offense. You just don't make for good blog-fodder.
Most of the stories that were told involved incounters with men from dating websites. As I have long suspected, this is a dumbass breeding ground. No need to go out, you can be a dumbass from the comfort of your own home or office. (If they're being dumbasses from the office, odds are they are married).
One story that I found most amusing was the dumbass who was indeed messaging from the office. (Yes, he was married). After a brief period he chose to send images of his erect penis. Seriously? I'm wondering what kind of response he was looking for. What is the correct response to that? And if one picture wasn't enough, he proceeded to send 2 more. Now here's the thing... Guys, if you are going to send penis shots to a girl you need to know that she will save them and when the girls are over drinking wine, she will show them. And they will laugh. I'm pretty sure this isn't the reaction you were looking for. I happened to view the aforementioned photos and what caught my eye was that he was wearing a different shirt in the third shot. Again, I'm pretty sure that wasn't what I was supposed to be noticing. What happened between shot 2 & 3 to warrant an outfit change? Best not to know.
Another story along a similar vein was of the dumbass who decided to send what he deemed an 'artistic' photo. Taken in the bathroom (naturally) he was butt naked with his hand covering the family jewels. Artistic and tasteful was how he described it. I guess my definition of artistic differs from others.
One dumbass requested a video chat. Upon acceptance, he proceeded to do a striptease. My source told me he was no Chippendale. Too bad that one wasn't recorded for wine night.
Now for all you non-dumbass males reading, please don't take offense. You just don't make for good blog-fodder.
Wednesday, October 19, 2011
The Real Dumbasses of Vancouver
There is a new installment of the Real Housewives series being filmed and Vancouver was lucky enough to be chosen as the first Canadian city for the franchise. I have never watched any of the Housewives shows but I am curious to see the Vancouver edition. That said, I think a new franchise is needed. The Real Dumbasses.
I am going to offer my services to Bravo. I figure there has to be a way to profit from my dumbass attraction skills. I posed this question to a friend of mine tonight and he came up with the reality TV idea. That's all it took for the train to leave the station.
This show wouldn't just be entertaining, it would be informative. By interviewing the dumbasses, we could actually get to the root of dumbassedness. It could be a reality/intervention hybrid show. Behaviors could be explained. Such as, why do men insist on taking pictures of themselves in the bathroom then sending them to women? Or, why do you intently pursue someone then just as quickly stop? Is it an ADD thing perhaps? Why go to all the trouble of arranging a meeting then just ignore the confirmation request or worse still, just not show up?
But in fairness, women can be dumbasses too so there could be a segment on that. Although the male casting pool would be much, much larger not to mention more entertaining. Facebook etiquette could be addressed. As in, is it appropriate to Facebook friend a want-to-be porn star while you're in a relationship?
I see huge potential here. If those idiots in Jersey can be successful I think anyone can. I may have to unleash my inner Italian crazy though to make it truly interesting. Shouldn't be too hard. All I'd have to do is talk to my mother right before the cameras started to roll.
I am going to offer my services to Bravo. I figure there has to be a way to profit from my dumbass attraction skills. I posed this question to a friend of mine tonight and he came up with the reality TV idea. That's all it took for the train to leave the station.
This show wouldn't just be entertaining, it would be informative. By interviewing the dumbasses, we could actually get to the root of dumbassedness. It could be a reality/intervention hybrid show. Behaviors could be explained. Such as, why do men insist on taking pictures of themselves in the bathroom then sending them to women? Or, why do you intently pursue someone then just as quickly stop? Is it an ADD thing perhaps? Why go to all the trouble of arranging a meeting then just ignore the confirmation request or worse still, just not show up?
But in fairness, women can be dumbasses too so there could be a segment on that. Although the male casting pool would be much, much larger not to mention more entertaining. Facebook etiquette could be addressed. As in, is it appropriate to Facebook friend a want-to-be porn star while you're in a relationship?
I see huge potential here. If those idiots in Jersey can be successful I think anyone can. I may have to unleash my inner Italian crazy though to make it truly interesting. Shouldn't be too hard. All I'd have to do is talk to my mother right before the cameras started to roll.
Thursday, September 29, 2011
Tweet #20
After 20 of these, I had to shorten the title.
Now I realize that I have a fair bit of time on my hands but obviously there are people out there with way more free time than me. Those people stack rocks along the seawall. I've been seeing these balancing acts for years now and sometimes I even see the 'artist' out there asking for 'donations'.
Really? Prove to me that you haven't used 2 part epoxy and I'll consider 'donating' to your artist endeavor. #BlameInnukshuk
Now I realize that I have a fair bit of time on my hands but obviously there are people out there with way more free time than me. Those people stack rocks along the seawall. I've been seeing these balancing acts for years now and sometimes I even see the 'artist' out there asking for 'donations'.
Really? Prove to me that you haven't used 2 part epoxy and I'll consider 'donating' to your artist endeavor. #BlameInnukshuk
Wednesday, September 28, 2011
4:20 In The Rest Home
I wind up having the strangest conversations with people. Yesterday I was at my chiropractor and she was asking how my mom was doing after her fall (2 hairline fractures in her pelvis btw). I told her mom was doing as well as can be expected and that I have seen improvement in her movement even if she denies it (I see you moving, no sense denying). Mom is getting by on loads of Tylenol 3. From here the conversation took an interesting turn.
Once you reach a certain age (mom is 83) you should be allowed pretty much anything. You kind of deserve it. My chiropractor suggested that more old people should smoke pot. Not the super-duper strains that are out there right now but the older more mellow strains. I've never been a pot smoker. I've tried it twice. The last time was probably over 25 years ago. I was in the Commodore (pre-renos) and ended up falling asleep at the table. In my defense, the Back Doors were playing (a Doors tribute band) and the music did sort of lull me into a very mellow state.
I suggested Medical Marijuana to which she agreed. She said you can get all different kinds. Some that help with pain, some that stimulate appetite (kind of thought all pot did that) and other strains that help with mood fluctuations. This in turn would lead to other benefits such as children would probably visit their ageing parents more often if they were mellower and the grandchildren would probably visit more frequently just to smoke up with them. Instead of happy hour the retirement home could have a gathering at 4:20 each day.
Think of it as the Grateful Not Dead Yet.
Once you reach a certain age (mom is 83) you should be allowed pretty much anything. You kind of deserve it. My chiropractor suggested that more old people should smoke pot. Not the super-duper strains that are out there right now but the older more mellow strains. I've never been a pot smoker. I've tried it twice. The last time was probably over 25 years ago. I was in the Commodore (pre-renos) and ended up falling asleep at the table. In my defense, the Back Doors were playing (a Doors tribute band) and the music did sort of lull me into a very mellow state.
I suggested Medical Marijuana to which she agreed. She said you can get all different kinds. Some that help with pain, some that stimulate appetite (kind of thought all pot did that) and other strains that help with mood fluctuations. This in turn would lead to other benefits such as children would probably visit their ageing parents more often if they were mellower and the grandchildren would probably visit more frequently just to smoke up with them. Instead of happy hour the retirement home could have a gathering at 4:20 each day.
Think of it as the Grateful Not Dead Yet.
Tuesday, September 27, 2011
Grammar Police in the Online Age
Grammar Police. I have been called that and I'll own it. I'm not a fan of all the abbreviations this new social media age has brought upon us. Yes I can LOL and I've even ROTFL but that's about it. When I get messages from friends full of strange abbreviations they tend to get one back that reads WTF.
As we revert more and more to communication by typing rather than speaking, spelling (or one's lack of ability at it) is becoming apparent. I hate making spelling mistakes. Whether it's in an email/text/tweet/facebook it bugs me. If I'm writing in Italian I know that I won't be judged too severely as it is my second language after all but even that annoys me. So now spelling has become a new factor in dating.
I was visiting a friend who is active in online dating. I was curious to know how it all worked so she started showing me the site and explaining things to me. The minute we logged in, her computer started going crazy with pop-up requests for chats and messages that were arriving in her inbox. We started reading some of them and what struck me the most was the awful spelling. So how would a shield carrying member of the Grammar Police deal with this? Well, if you can't spell Scotland (not Scohtland) chances are I won't meet you for coffee.
Perhaps I'm just too old school. I remember when the teacher used to hand back assignments with things circled in red with the sp notation. Ah, but teachers aren't doing any of that these days are they. My mother used to make me write letters to Italy in rough draft then she would correct them (she also enjoyed her red pen). I would then re-write them on the 'nice' paper for mailing. I've seen people reply to tweets correcting the spelling of the tweeter of origin. This does not go over well. Typically the tweeter corrector is assaulted and called a variety of things. Was he being pompous or just looking out for the greater good of mankind?
So we have a generation that relies on written communication with poor spelling skills that don't care that they have poor spelling skills. So to the dude who can't wait to go visit Scohtland, enjoy yourself but I won't be meeting you for coffee after to discuss your trip.
As we revert more and more to communication by typing rather than speaking, spelling (or one's lack of ability at it) is becoming apparent. I hate making spelling mistakes. Whether it's in an email/text/tweet/facebook it bugs me. If I'm writing in Italian I know that I won't be judged too severely as it is my second language after all but even that annoys me. So now spelling has become a new factor in dating.
I was visiting a friend who is active in online dating. I was curious to know how it all worked so she started showing me the site and explaining things to me. The minute we logged in, her computer started going crazy with pop-up requests for chats and messages that were arriving in her inbox. We started reading some of them and what struck me the most was the awful spelling. So how would a shield carrying member of the Grammar Police deal with this? Well, if you can't spell Scotland (not Scohtland) chances are I won't meet you for coffee.
Perhaps I'm just too old school. I remember when the teacher used to hand back assignments with things circled in red with the sp notation. Ah, but teachers aren't doing any of that these days are they. My mother used to make me write letters to Italy in rough draft then she would correct them (she also enjoyed her red pen). I would then re-write them on the 'nice' paper for mailing. I've seen people reply to tweets correcting the spelling of the tweeter of origin. This does not go over well. Typically the tweeter corrector is assaulted and called a variety of things. Was he being pompous or just looking out for the greater good of mankind?
So we have a generation that relies on written communication with poor spelling skills that don't care that they have poor spelling skills. So to the dude who can't wait to go visit Scohtland, enjoy yourself but I won't be meeting you for coffee after to discuss your trip.
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