Things I Wish I Was Gutsey Enough To Tweet #5

I often hear women talking about their biological clocks. It seems that in their 30's these clocks start ticking louder than my mom's grandfather clock. Complete with chimes. I'm just thankful I don't have that problem. Mine's digital. #ticktock.

A New Worldwide Epidemic

Lately the world has been beseiged by natural disasters and other tragic events. Japan, Somalia, Libya. The newspapers and media flood us with tragic images. However, throughout all of this, there is one epidemic that is receiving no attention. The shortage of mirrors.

This problem was first brought to my attention while I was in Miami. At first I thought it to be an isolated incident but the more I travelled, the more I became aware of how wide-reaching the epidemic was. San Francisco, Los Angeles, Houston, Orlando, no where seemed safe. It has now spread and crossed into Canada as well. Vancouver is no longer immune.

Something must be done. Your $5 donation will help a family receive a full-length mirror so that they can leave the house with confidence. This will then aid in the beautification of your city. Operators are standing by. Give what you can. Calls are toll free. 1-800-IStylin. Please help prevent this from happening again.

Things I Wish I Was Gutsy Enough To Tweet #4

Anyone living in Vancouver can verify that some of our Asian citizens are a bit challenged when it comes to operating a motor vehicle. One would think that they would have mad skills with bicycles. Not so. I am of the opinion that any device with a round moving wheel is too much for some to handle. #nosurvivors

Things I Wish I Was Gutsy Enough to Tweet #3

Mayor Gregor just implemented a 30 km/h speed zone on Hastings in the heart of the Downtown Eastside. Too many citizens with substance abuse problems were getting hit while jaywalking. Wouldn't a yellow caution sign showing a person with a hypodermic needle in the arm accomplish the same thing? #justsayin

Things I Wish I Was Gutsy Enough To Tweet #2

Why is it that everytime I see a flock of Canada Geese 2 words come to mind........Foie Gras. #goodeats

Things I Wish I Was Gutsy Enough To Tweet #1

A guy once told me that I was better than a hand. I replied, too bad you're not better than my vibrator. #excellentcomeback

If I Had Kids I'd Be A Raging Alcoholic

Miss me?

Of course you did. Sorry, but I really haven't had much to complain (bitch) about. Most people would say that this is a good thing. Fortunately for you, the heavens aligned and gave me something to blog (bitch) about.

My life puts me in situations where I'm often on planes. I'm OK with that. I have it all down to a science. The packing (which I hate), the check-in (a breeze), security, customs, all just a part of the package. Small children forced on planes by their parents bring me to my knees.

So today I left Vancouver at 7am. Final destination Miami. My routing took me from Vancouver to Denver, Denver to Houston, then Houston to Miami. No big deal. The layovers aren't bad and I get to hang out in lounges. (The US lounges make you pay for alcohol. Another reason it's better to be Canadian).

The flight from Vancouver to Denver was a piece of cake. Hardly anyone on it. Very peaceful. Things started to go south in the Denver lounge. Not being aware, I chose a spot between 2 TV's on different channels (CNN and All My Children). After a bit, this really started to put me on edge so I moved. When I boarded my next flight, I immediately asked the flight attendant for an aspirin as I could tell I was unusually stressed. She kindly obliged and I took my seat.

The plane soon started filling up. A man sat next to me (row of 3) and we started to become hopeful that perhaps we'd have the row to ourselves. We were almost scott free when........THE FAMILY showed up. Parents and 3 little children all under the age of 6. I knew I was in trouble when upon their arrival, the mom told the dad that it was the flight attendants' JOB to figure out where to stash all their carry-on. (said with attitude).

The flight attendants started moving people to accomodate this family. They moved all 3 people in the row behind me and the nice man beside me. I got mom and 2 kids behind me, dad and the youngest (almost 3) beside me.

Disclaimer time...... Many of my friends have children. I like THEIR children. THEIR children are the product of smart, intelligent parents who have taught them manners and how to behave in public. And I'm assuming, how to behave in small closed spaces with potentially non-kid friendly people.

I know they're little and that they don't know.....but their parents do. When did airlines stop giving children coloring books and crayons? Well, here's my tip....either provide kids distractions or provide the adults around them with alcohol. Trust me, the crayons are cheaper.

The boy behind me kicked my chair for the entire 2+ hour flight. The mom told him to stop about 3 times then just gave up. I'm assuming this is a regular pattern in their household. The little girl beside me did everything except stand on her head. Oh, and if I can tell she needs a diaper change......she needs a diaper change. Dad finally handled that towards the end of the flight. Note to self.....don't get your sinuses fixed before travelling ever again. An instance where not having a good sense of smell would have been an asset.

About an hour in I was at my wits end. Lack of sleep over the past 2 nights was a contributing factor but I knew I was helpless. I all could hope for was the drink cart. When it finally arrived, straight vodka was my saviour. (I still think the dad should have paid for it and the flight attendant should have given me the double I asked for).

I couldn't get off that plane fast enough. As I was exiting, I passed the man who was originally seated beside me. I told him he didn't know how lucky he was.

I compose this from the Houston Presidents Lounge with my second glass of wine. I'm much more relaxed and at ease. In less than 30 minutes I will board my final flight of the day. Let's hope that it will be without incident.

Maybe someone with a puppy will sit next to me.

THAT would be awesome.