Things I Wish I Was Gutsy Enough To Tweet #10

After a long discussion with several single girlfriends, the true extent of the dumbass situation was revealed. Out of control and possibly beyond repair. So I have now decided to return to hanging out with gay men. You know right off the bat that sex is off the table eliminating that 'He's just not into you' bullshit. Gay men appreciate the time you've taken to put yourself together and tell you. But best of all, there's rarely a dumbass among them. #IllTakeGayAnyDay

Pedestrians

So 9 pedestrians have been killed so far this year in Vancouver compared to the 5 last year and thus The Pedestrian Enforcement Initiative has been created. The VPD has received $30,000 in provincial funding for a 3 week enforcement campaign to help reduce the number of pedestrian deaths in the city.

WTF.

I've seen how pedestrians behave in this city. We have given them far too much leeway for far too long. They feel so invincible that they have forgotten that they are made of flesh, blood and bone. Cars are made of steel. Steel is harder than bone. Cars have momentum. The math isn't that difficult. If you can manage Rock, Paper, Scissors you can figure this out.

Have they forgotten one of the first things their parents taught them? Look both ways before crossing the street. This isn't rocket science, it's common sense. So now $30,000 will be spent to educate/save these morons. I firmly believe that money could be put to better use instead of interfering with natural selection.

Of course some of the blame falls on the drivers. It is true that Smartphones are creating Dumb Drivers. But, once again we fall back on that 'Look Both Ways' thing. I'm sure these are the same people who can't even be bothered to look before crossing the bike path to get to the seawall.

Dennis Miller once said "Don't sue the inventor of the deep-fryer because you have a fat ass." Well, don't blame the driver if you can't be bothered to look before you cross the street.

The Grouse Grind

So today I ventured up the Grouse Grind. I have done the Grind before but upon reflection, I realized that 15 years have passed since my last go at it. I recall that at that time I completed it in around 1 hour and 20 minutes. After today's journey, I don't know how the hell I managed it in that time frame. Yes, I was younger then but I honestly believe it's harder now. I don't remember it being that tough and I certainly don't remember tons of whining people on the trail. There was one girl in particular that I wanted to push off the cliff. Honey, it's called the Grouse Grind. Not the Grouse Stroll or the Grouse Walk In The Forest. What the hell did you think was awaiting you? The best part was when at the 1/2 way point she exclaimed 'Isn't 1/2 way good enough?'. Really? So how exactly do you think you're going to get off this mountain? There are only 2 obvious ways to me, keep climbing or head back the way you came and I think to keep climbing is the lesser of the 2 evils.

I also loved all the pearls of wisdom I overheard along the trail. The best was, 'The second 1/2 is so much easier than the first'. Really? When I get to the top I'm going to find you and slap you silly, you moron. Kids are the best though. These 2 little boys never stopped talking. I loved it when they said 'I'm never doing this again. Not even when I'm 25'.

It is satisfying when you do make it to the top. Kind of like the 18th hole on the golf course. No matter how much the round sucked, it's the one that keeps you coming back for more. Not that I'll be coming back for more anytime soon. The price gouging alone makes you want to re-think the adventure. $10 for the gondola down. They know you'll pay it because you know what the alternative is. And I have to mention the Starbucks at the base. My Grande Mocha is $4.80 and that's already crazy but $6.03? Are you kidding me? It can't cost that much more to bring coffee up to Grouse Mountain.

Maybe they walk it up.

Things I Wish I Was Gutsy Enough To Tweet #9

Men, if you are lucky enough to have someone that does your laundry for you, do not EVER complain about things that were left in the pockets. Chewing gum, cell phones, I don't care what. If you are unable to perform the simplest of tasks, in this case, emptying your pockets #YouAreADumbass

Things I Wish I Was Gutsy Enough To Tweet #8

If you're going to go to all the trouble of getting a personalized license plate then at least make it witty. Putting your initials on your plate is just wasting everyones time. #URLame

Things I Wish I Was Gutsy Enough To Tweet #7

The 80's were the best decade. Yes, the fashion was questionable but at least people had style. Sex in the 80's was appropriate for the decade. Get as freaky as you want, but don't mess up my hair. #bighairbigfun

Why Hotel Rooms Should Not Be Designed By Men

So I've travelled some. Not as much as others I know but I've logged in a fair amount of time in the air and thus in hotel rooms. I can instantly tell when a room is designed by a man. A hetrosexual man (need to clarify).

To be fair, I know many men with a great sense of style but I'm sure they have never been consulted in the design of any hotel room I've stayed in.

First clue....trendy stupid sink. We don't need that. We want something functional. It needs to catch water...that's it.

Lack of counter space. You've used up all your available space on the above mentioned retarded sink thus leaving you no space for the practical aspect. Women would rather have ample counter space than a ridiculous water splashing sink. You got sucked into a stupid design and now I (the patron) am paying for it. Your retarded sink design is now splashing water on my very expensive make-up (there is no cheap make-up).

Full length mirror. What do you have against me wanting to view my outfit at all angles? I am not a PeopleofWalmart. I want to know how my ass looks in my outfit before I leave the room. I'm in a hotel room therefore it's a pretty good assumption that I'm on vacation/business and therefore want to impress. Not too much of a stretch here.

More outlets. Chances are that 2 women will be sharing a room. Shouldn't you have ample outlets for the variety of power tools a woman needs to get ready? And mirrors. We need more mirrors.

Counter space, mirrors, outlets and functional sinks. It's not rocket science. It's practical.

Perhaps that's why I'm asking too much.

Things I Wish I Was Gutsy Enough To Tweet #6

I saw 2 homeless people having sex. Could of done without that visual but it got me to thinking.....Politicians don't mention this as a possible reason for the increase in homelessess. #likerabbits

Things I Wish I Was Gutsey Enough To Tweet #5

I often hear women talking about their biological clocks. It seems that in their 30's these clocks start ticking louder than my mom's grandfather clock. Complete with chimes. I'm just thankful I don't have that problem. Mine's digital. #ticktock.

A New Worldwide Epidemic

Lately the world has been beseiged by natural disasters and other tragic events. Japan, Somalia, Libya. The newspapers and media flood us with tragic images. However, throughout all of this, there is one epidemic that is receiving no attention. The shortage of mirrors.

This problem was first brought to my attention while I was in Miami. At first I thought it to be an isolated incident but the more I travelled, the more I became aware of how wide-reaching the epidemic was. San Francisco, Los Angeles, Houston, Orlando, no where seemed safe. It has now spread and crossed into Canada as well. Vancouver is no longer immune.

Something must be done. Your $5 donation will help a family receive a full-length mirror so that they can leave the house with confidence. This will then aid in the beautification of your city. Operators are standing by. Give what you can. Calls are toll free. 1-800-IStylin. Please help prevent this from happening again.

Things I Wish I Was Gutsy Enough To Tweet #4

Anyone living in Vancouver can verify that some of our Asian citizens are a bit challenged when it comes to operating a motor vehicle. One would think that they would have mad skills with bicycles. Not so. I am of the opinion that any device with a round moving wheel is too much for some to handle. #nosurvivors

Things I Wish I Was Gutsy Enough to Tweet #3

Mayor Gregor just implemented a 30 km/h speed zone on Hastings in the heart of the Downtown Eastside. Too many citizens with substance abuse problems were getting hit while jaywalking. Wouldn't a yellow caution sign showing a person with a hypodermic needle in the arm accomplish the same thing? #justsayin

Things I Wish I Was Gutsy Enough To Tweet #2

Why is it that everytime I see a flock of Canada Geese 2 words come to mind........Foie Gras. #goodeats

Things I Wish I Was Gutsy Enough To Tweet #1

A guy once told me that I was better than a hand. I replied, too bad you're not better than my vibrator. #excellentcomeback