Open letter to my fellow guests,
Shut the F Up!
To the Russian boys, I get that you're having a good time but it's midnight and the rest of us don't want to listen to you. Plus we can't understand a word you're saying which makes eavesdropping useless. You really don't want me to come out there and Shhhh you. You are just lucky that my door was double locked because at 1 am you were about to get an earful and by the time I managed to navigate the intricate set of hotel locks you'd already scurried into your room.
To my neighbors, I'm really sorry that you have to be up at 7 am but I don't. How loud must you be at that hour? The sun wasn't even up yet. Unlike you, I need my beauty sleep and I don't have a timetable.
Hotel walls are paper thin. You don't realize it because I'm a polite hotel neighbor. Next time, I'll rent a screaming kid to prove my point.
Tuesday, October 25, 2011
Monday, October 24, 2011
But He Seemed So Nice Last Night When I Was Drunk
Best Line EVER!! It's what my girlfriend said to me after telling me her latest dumbass tale.
I have now become the go-to gal for dumbass stories. I'm actually enjoying it as it makes me feel like it isn't just me that attracts these amazing individuals. So on the weekend my friend was at the Commodore where she met two brothers. One was obviously smitten with her but she took a shine to the other brother. During the night she actually said to him that he seemed 'so much smarter' than his brother. Oh how those words would come back to haunt her.
So after and enjoyable night of drinking and dancing, numbers were exchanged with the promise to see each other soon. The next morning upon turning on her phone there was an awaiting text with an invite to go to Squamish and climb the Chief. After a polite refusal, she proceeded to receive a series of texts detailing a dream that he had the night before. I love technology. In the old days, the dumbasses verbally told you these things. Now, they write them for a permanent record of their dumbassedness. All it takes is a little copy & paste and you can share their eloquent prose. What follows is what my friend received. I almost snorted out my wine when I read it so you've been warned.
.....had a wonderful dream about you last night, it was so vivid, I was a pirate, sailing the blue waters of the bahamas, when I bumped into you, would you like to hear it? Might take some time to write it down, and parts are a little risque', I am intrigued, did you ever instantly know you were going to like and trust someone for a long, long time, a timeless connection, I believe the greatest adventure is to explore one's passions, we seem to walk the same path, light years apart....its precisely this deep connection that is so charming, spiritual and unlimited, for I am also an intellectual adventurer as well, willing to sink my ship in the ocean of infinity..... to begin the world anew, have a wonderful day.
....Tropical storm had been raging for two days when your ship had gone down, after that... only clouded memories adrift in the waves, when you thought you could not hold on any longer, you felt the strong hands of a stranger lift you out of the water, so tired you drift off again, next time your eyes open, you hear the waves crashing on the shore, look to see yourself in a seaside cabana, with a note......it says 'Milady....water and a fruit are at the table, have gone to catch lunch, throw on the some clean clothes, and join me out at the surf when your ready ' I see you standing on shore of this tropical paradise, in that moment as you feel that exquisite pleasure, the intense feeling of our attraction, a smile washes over your face, as you wave, so happy to be alive, as I climb out of the surf, you see the muscles strain to carry the catch up the beach, a little rough on the edges, this pirate was all man, knowing he could have taken advantage of her vulnerability, he was the perfect gentleman, "where am I" you ask?"
...."Your on my island....I rescued you from drowning...I am T, but some call me the Waterwolf" as I kiss your hand....come.....we will replenish your strength from some of the supplies I recovered from your ship, I break open a case of the most exquisite vintage wine, untouched by the salt water, poured into the large goblet, hand it to you, before taking a big swig out of the bottle myself, savouring the rich taste this wine....
....Some pirate dream eh....;) sorry about that ramble, writing is a creative outlet for me, the wine was Mission Hill I think....someday I will tell you how the dream ends.....
So after deciding that accepting his Facebook request was not in her best interest and that perhaps this dude is a bit much for her, she politely offered to introduce him to me. She's selfless like that. As flattered as I was, I declined the offer.
I think Waterwolf will be enjoying his catch and his vintage Mission Hill all by himself. He won't be sinking his ship in my friends' ocean of infinity.
Note.....no grammar was corrected in the texts.
I have now become the go-to gal for dumbass stories. I'm actually enjoying it as it makes me feel like it isn't just me that attracts these amazing individuals. So on the weekend my friend was at the Commodore where she met two brothers. One was obviously smitten with her but she took a shine to the other brother. During the night she actually said to him that he seemed 'so much smarter' than his brother. Oh how those words would come back to haunt her.
So after and enjoyable night of drinking and dancing, numbers were exchanged with the promise to see each other soon. The next morning upon turning on her phone there was an awaiting text with an invite to go to Squamish and climb the Chief. After a polite refusal, she proceeded to receive a series of texts detailing a dream that he had the night before. I love technology. In the old days, the dumbasses verbally told you these things. Now, they write them for a permanent record of their dumbassedness. All it takes is a little copy & paste and you can share their eloquent prose. What follows is what my friend received. I almost snorted out my wine when I read it so you've been warned.
.....had a wonderful dream about you last night, it was so vivid, I was a pirate, sailing the blue waters of the bahamas, when I bumped into you, would you like to hear it? Might take some time to write it down, and parts are a little risque', I am intrigued, did you ever instantly know you were going to like and trust someone for a long, long time, a timeless connection, I believe the greatest adventure is to explore one's passions, we seem to walk the same path, light years apart....its precisely this deep connection that is so charming, spiritual and unlimited, for I am also an intellectual adventurer as well, willing to sink my ship in the ocean of infinity..... to begin the world anew, have a wonderful day.
....Tropical storm had been raging for two days when your ship had gone down, after that... only clouded memories adrift in the waves, when you thought you could not hold on any longer, you felt the strong hands of a stranger lift you out of the water, so tired you drift off again, next time your eyes open, you hear the waves crashing on the shore, look to see yourself in a seaside cabana, with a note......it says 'Milady....water and a fruit are at the table, have gone to catch lunch, throw on the some clean clothes, and join me out at the surf when your ready ' I see you standing on shore of this tropical paradise, in that moment as you feel that exquisite pleasure, the intense feeling of our attraction, a smile washes over your face, as you wave, so happy to be alive, as I climb out of the surf, you see the muscles strain to carry the catch up the beach, a little rough on the edges, this pirate was all man, knowing he could have taken advantage of her vulnerability, he was the perfect gentleman, "where am I" you ask?"
...."Your on my island....I rescued you from drowning...I am T, but some call me the Waterwolf" as I kiss your hand....come.....we will replenish your strength from some of the supplies I recovered from your ship, I break open a case of the most exquisite vintage wine, untouched by the salt water, poured into the large goblet, hand it to you, before taking a big swig out of the bottle myself, savouring the rich taste this wine....
....Some pirate dream eh....;) sorry about that ramble, writing is a creative outlet for me, the wine was Mission Hill I think....someday I will tell you how the dream ends.....
So after deciding that accepting his Facebook request was not in her best interest and that perhaps this dude is a bit much for her, she politely offered to introduce him to me. She's selfless like that. As flattered as I was, I declined the offer.
I think Waterwolf will be enjoying his catch and his vintage Mission Hill all by himself. He won't be sinking his ship in my friends' ocean of infinity.
Note.....no grammar was corrected in the texts.
Thursday, October 20, 2011
The Real Dumbasses....The Sequel
So it seems my last blog resonated with more than a few people. Always nice to know that people are reading and enjoying. Some readers felt compelled to share a few of their dumbass stories. I think there may be a market for this reality show.
Most of the stories that were told involved incounters with men from dating websites. As I have long suspected, this is a dumbass breeding ground. No need to go out, you can be a dumbass from the comfort of your own home or office. (If they're being dumbasses from the office, odds are they are married).
One story that I found most amusing was the dumbass who was indeed messaging from the office. (Yes, he was married). After a brief period he chose to send images of his erect penis. Seriously? I'm wondering what kind of response he was looking for. What is the correct response to that? And if one picture wasn't enough, he proceeded to send 2 more. Now here's the thing... Guys, if you are going to send penis shots to a girl you need to know that she will save them and when the girls are over drinking wine, she will show them. And they will laugh. I'm pretty sure this isn't the reaction you were looking for. I happened to view the aforementioned photos and what caught my eye was that he was wearing a different shirt in the third shot. Again, I'm pretty sure that wasn't what I was supposed to be noticing. What happened between shot 2 & 3 to warrant an outfit change? Best not to know.
Another story along a similar vein was of the dumbass who decided to send what he deemed an 'artistic' photo. Taken in the bathroom (naturally) he was butt naked with his hand covering the family jewels. Artistic and tasteful was how he described it. I guess my definition of artistic differs from others.
One dumbass requested a video chat. Upon acceptance, he proceeded to do a striptease. My source told me he was no Chippendale. Too bad that one wasn't recorded for wine night.
Now for all you non-dumbass males reading, please don't take offense. You just don't make for good blog-fodder.
Most of the stories that were told involved incounters with men from dating websites. As I have long suspected, this is a dumbass breeding ground. No need to go out, you can be a dumbass from the comfort of your own home or office. (If they're being dumbasses from the office, odds are they are married).
One story that I found most amusing was the dumbass who was indeed messaging from the office. (Yes, he was married). After a brief period he chose to send images of his erect penis. Seriously? I'm wondering what kind of response he was looking for. What is the correct response to that? And if one picture wasn't enough, he proceeded to send 2 more. Now here's the thing... Guys, if you are going to send penis shots to a girl you need to know that she will save them and when the girls are over drinking wine, she will show them. And they will laugh. I'm pretty sure this isn't the reaction you were looking for. I happened to view the aforementioned photos and what caught my eye was that he was wearing a different shirt in the third shot. Again, I'm pretty sure that wasn't what I was supposed to be noticing. What happened between shot 2 & 3 to warrant an outfit change? Best not to know.
Another story along a similar vein was of the dumbass who decided to send what he deemed an 'artistic' photo. Taken in the bathroom (naturally) he was butt naked with his hand covering the family jewels. Artistic and tasteful was how he described it. I guess my definition of artistic differs from others.
One dumbass requested a video chat. Upon acceptance, he proceeded to do a striptease. My source told me he was no Chippendale. Too bad that one wasn't recorded for wine night.
Now for all you non-dumbass males reading, please don't take offense. You just don't make for good blog-fodder.
Wednesday, October 19, 2011
The Real Dumbasses of Vancouver
There is a new installment of the Real Housewives series being filmed and Vancouver was lucky enough to be chosen as the first Canadian city for the franchise. I have never watched any of the Housewives shows but I am curious to see the Vancouver edition. That said, I think a new franchise is needed. The Real Dumbasses.
I am going to offer my services to Bravo. I figure there has to be a way to profit from my dumbass attraction skills. I posed this question to a friend of mine tonight and he came up with the reality TV idea. That's all it took for the train to leave the station.
This show wouldn't just be entertaining, it would be informative. By interviewing the dumbasses, we could actually get to the root of dumbassedness. It could be a reality/intervention hybrid show. Behaviors could be explained. Such as, why do men insist on taking pictures of themselves in the bathroom then sending them to women? Or, why do you intently pursue someone then just as quickly stop? Is it an ADD thing perhaps? Why go to all the trouble of arranging a meeting then just ignore the confirmation request or worse still, just not show up?
But in fairness, women can be dumbasses too so there could be a segment on that. Although the male casting pool would be much, much larger not to mention more entertaining. Facebook etiquette could be addressed. As in, is it appropriate to Facebook friend a want-to-be porn star while you're in a relationship?
I see huge potential here. If those idiots in Jersey can be successful I think anyone can. I may have to unleash my inner Italian crazy though to make it truly interesting. Shouldn't be too hard. All I'd have to do is talk to my mother right before the cameras started to roll.
I am going to offer my services to Bravo. I figure there has to be a way to profit from my dumbass attraction skills. I posed this question to a friend of mine tonight and he came up with the reality TV idea. That's all it took for the train to leave the station.
This show wouldn't just be entertaining, it would be informative. By interviewing the dumbasses, we could actually get to the root of dumbassedness. It could be a reality/intervention hybrid show. Behaviors could be explained. Such as, why do men insist on taking pictures of themselves in the bathroom then sending them to women? Or, why do you intently pursue someone then just as quickly stop? Is it an ADD thing perhaps? Why go to all the trouble of arranging a meeting then just ignore the confirmation request or worse still, just not show up?
But in fairness, women can be dumbasses too so there could be a segment on that. Although the male casting pool would be much, much larger not to mention more entertaining. Facebook etiquette could be addressed. As in, is it appropriate to Facebook friend a want-to-be porn star while you're in a relationship?
I see huge potential here. If those idiots in Jersey can be successful I think anyone can. I may have to unleash my inner Italian crazy though to make it truly interesting. Shouldn't be too hard. All I'd have to do is talk to my mother right before the cameras started to roll.
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