Vancouver Playhouse International Wine Festival or Vancouver Lion Safari

Hello and welcome to the inaugural post of my new blog. My other blog is dedicated to wine and its purpose is to be informative. This isn't that blog. If you are reading this blog it shows you're a smart individual and you can make out this blogs purpose just by it's name.

Let's get on with it.

This weekend I attended the Vancouver Playhouse International Wine Festival. A great event, great wines etc. If you want that info, go to the other blog. I don't normally like huge wine tasting events. Too many people who are just there to guzzle wines. As many wines as they can because they're trying to get their money's worth. I don't blame them really. The tickets aren't cheap. They crowd the tables trying to get their pour then don't move out of the way after they've got it. They stand there swirling and sipping pretending they know what they're doing. The majority of them don't have a clue. But that's OK. At least they're trying.

I noticed a whole other species on the tasting room floor. Something I've never encountered at other similar tasting events around the world. Something that got me to wondering if it was a species indigenous only to Vancouver. Vinis-Cougerifera and Vinis-Trampifera.

These two species are obviously related. My observations lead me to believe that Vinis-Trampifera evolves into Vinis-Cougerifera. Perhaps you've encountered these species before but were just unaware of their Latin names. Vinis-Trampifera is a young female, wearing minimal covering and moves awkwardly due to her choice of footwear. She can be found at the tasting tables swirling then spilling wine due to exaggerated swirling. She will not pour any wine out no matter how awful it is. As her time in the wild increases, her movements become more labored and forward progress becomes more challenging. Wine glasses are held at 45 degree angles or less. One may observe new markings of a red variety appearing on her pelt. Her voice becomes louder and more shrill and in extreme situations, Vinis-Trampifera may migrate to other nocturnal venues in search of something called 'shots'.

Vinis-Cougerifera is a much more methodical species. She moves around the tasting floor with purpose and conviction. She can only be found at the higher name brand tables. Her clothing may also be minimal but it cost considerably more than Vinis-Trampifera's. Her footwear is also inappropriate for the terrain but she's had considerable practice so her movements are effortless. Her wine glass never reaches the 45 degree angle unless it is to observe the wine and her pelt remains free from red markings. Her swirls and sniffs are controlled and she will drink anything as long as it's from a noted producer. She would never think of pouring out a name wine no matter how awful it was. Champagne tables are a common gathering site. Occasionally also seen at high end hotel bars.

I'm obviously out of touch. I thought the purpose of the wine festival was to get to know wines. I didn't realise it was the new pick up joint. The expression 'Mutton dressed as Lamb' even came up. I saw some truly awful things these last two nights. Awful enough that I think I need to start up a business selling mirrors. I think I'll call it 'Reflections.....Our mirrors don't lie." I could print out business cards and hand them out to those who are in obvious need. I think the exchange could go something like this.....

Me: "Hello, can interest you in a new mirror?"

Client: "No thank-you I already have one."

Me: "Well, judging by how you look it's obviously broken."

I'll work on the sales pitch. It may need some fine tuning.